Ms. Demeanour

ON MY wedding night I discovered my husband has six
toes on his left foot. He claims that it's because he's
descended from kings, but my uncle told me it's a sign
of the devil.
   I've hinted to my husband that maybe it wouldn't be
such a bad idea if he had his toe amputated, but he
refuses and says my uncle is crazy.
   I looked on the Internet to try and find information
about the extra toe, but I haven't been able to confirm
either story. What should I do?
- New Wife Going Crazy, Simei

An old wives' tale has it that woman who makes fun of
husband's tootsies will soon see him walking out of her
life. Okay, so Ms Demeanour made that one up, but
honestly, if you keep nagging him about his errant toe,
you're gonna put a wrong foot somewhere. Leave him
alone. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other
foot?

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MY LITTLE cousin drives me crazy. She comes over to
our house and bides her time until my husband puts his
glass of milk to his lips, then she always make him laugh
and the milk goes shooting out his nostrils. They both
think this is real funny, but I think it's disgusting. I've told
her not to do it anymore and she says she won't. But
yesterday I caught her sneaking a joke book into the
flat! What do I do? - Milk Mum, Clementi

There's no point crying over spilled milk, is there? Just
because your little cousin has a sense of humour
doesn't mean you shouldn't. But if all this business is
getting up your nose, ask your husband if he could
refrain from all milk drinking activities till the little visitor
is out of the room.

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I READ in your newspaper the other day that Abraham
Lincoln was a racist who almost lost the Civil War. Who
was Abraham Lincoln? An ex-pat? With a name like that
I know he wasn't Chinese. And when did we have a civil
war in Singapore? My teacher never mentioned
anything about it, though maybe we just haven't got
there yet.
- Curious Student, Bishan

You need help. In more ways than you know it.

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I READ in The Straits Times that long hair is coming
back in style for men. As a barber, I discourage men to
grow their hair out. Only sissies wear it long, and if you
get your picture taken with your hair looking like a little
girl you will really be embarrassed 20 years from now
when your grandchildren see it and wonder about your
sexual orientation. Take my advise, men. Get your hair
cut. Twice of three times a month would be best
- Shear Concern, Serangoon

Ms Demeanour has heard that barbers can be extra
snippy, but this is ridiculous. If your sexual orientation is
linked to your hair length, you are certainly not worth
waving a comb at.

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ON VALENTINE'S DAY, my wife got all mad at me
because I got her a toolbox instead of a box of candy.
She said I was being selfish because I was the one who
wanted the toolbox, which is probably true, but I only
bought the thing because I was trying to lighten her
workload. She complains all the time that I leave my stuff
lying around and I figured if I bought her a toolbox, then
I'd have some place to put my junk so she wouldn't have
to pick up after me.
But is she happy? No. Seems I can't do anything right.
What good is a box of candy anyway? You eat the
candy and it's gone, but a toolbox is forever, or at least
until it rusts out.
   Tell me, wouldn't you have done the smart thing and
bought your wife a toolbox too?
- Man With Angry Wife, Jurong

In the first place, Ms Demeanor doesn't have a wife. In
the second place, you must have tiny junk if it fits into a
toolbox. And thirdly, have you ever seen a heart-shaped
toolbox? Listen to your wife.

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I JUST started a new job as a receptionist for an
air-conditioning repair service. My new boss is a really
cool guy and we get along great, but he has a friend
who comes over all the time and the guy really smells
BAD!
   This friend is an alcoholic or something - the smell
isn't like body odour, it's like he's rotting or something or
like he hasn't changed his underwear in a long time. But
he comes over and hangs out all the time, and the
doors and windows are always closed of course 'cause
the AC is cranked on high, and PEE-YEW!
   So what do I do? Should I ask my boss to tell his
friend to not come over anymore, or to take a bath or
something?
   I don't want to risk getting on my boss's bad side or
insult him or anything since we get along so well, but I
don't know what to do. His friend is stinking me out!
- Not Breathing Easy, Tanjong Pagar

My dear, walk your legs out of the room. Your nose will
thank you for it. And your boss won't know the
difference.

DO YOU believe in reincarnation? I have been having this
weird sense of deja vu ever since I went to Thailand last
month on vacation.
   I was at the Temple Of The Green Buddha and I looked
at the doorstep outside and saw this big pile of shoes, and
I thought: "That's me!"
   I've thought about this a lot and I think I've figured out
what it means: I was a pair of sandals in my other life. Can
this be possible, or is it against the whole idea of
reincarnation?
   Could it be that I was a cow that was made into a pair of
sandals? Is that how to explain it? And if I was a cow, why
just a pair of sandals? Wouldn't it have been a much better
use of my hide to make me into a couch or something, or at
least several pairs of sandals?
I don't know if you really have the answer to this, but I know
you journalists are in constant contact with spiritual
advisors and New Age types. So, if you wouldn't mind
asking one you're close to about this, I would be much
obliged.
- Reincarnated Footwear, Pasir Ris

The Thailand Tourism Board has informed me that they
have revoked your right to enter their country again. And
they would appreciate the return of 500 missing pairs of
Birkenstocks last seen in the temple vicinity.

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I HEARD the strangest thing, and I don't know if it's true.
I've got a pack of cats that live under my HDB flat, and they
all have short, half-tails with curls at the end. An old woman
who lives in my building says it's because they're actually
dogs. I told her she's mistaken, but think about it. They're
in packs, like dogs, and cats don't live in packs because
they're too independent. And they fight sometimes, which
brings to mind the expression "fighting like cats and dogs".
I think it's silly, what my neighbour says, but is it possible
they could be a combination of cats and dogs? Like cogs?
Or dats? Can you imagine how many tourists would flock
here if my neighbour is right? Forget the Merlion. We have
dogs that look like cats!
- Animal Lover, Hullet Road

Forget drugs. We have people like you who hallucinate
well enough on their own. Incidentally, Ms Demeanour has
given SPCA's Deirdre Moss your contact details.

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MY 14-YEAR-OLD son somehow got a copy of an Eminem
CD, and now he talks like an American gangster. I took the
CD away from him, but he somehow got another copy. He's
gone from sweet boy to foul-mouth. I told him how much it
annoys me. He says he doesn't care. And yesterday he
greeted his grandmother with: "Yo, G, whazzup?" How do I
get this poison out of my house?
- Fed Up, Sengkang

Tell him you'll deduct $5 from his allowance for every foul
utterance. He'll be as clean as an altar boy before you can
say Elton John.

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IS THE picture on your byline true to scale? Is your head
really that big?
- Curious, via e-mail

Smarter readers will know that the byline picture is not an
accurate representation of Ms Demeanour, who is much
taller and has a more stylish wardrobe in real life. This
subterfuge is to ensure that adoring fans do not recognise
me. It is so hard to smile and be gracious when mobbed at
the gynecologist's.

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IF THERE is such a thing as life after death, do you think
there will be restaurants there? I don't mind the idea of
crossing into the great beyond, but I would hate to cook for
myself. How come none of the world religions discuss this?
- Hungry But Not Dead Yet, Holland Village

Well, that depends on where you go after life, doesn't it?
Ms Demeanour reckons heaven would have five-star
restaurants with incredible service and impeccably buff
waiters that look like Mark Wahlberg and Benicio Del Toro.
Hell, of course, would mean cooking. So you'd better be
good, no matter which religion you subscribe to.

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WHAT IS it with Amber on Survivor 2? How could she be so
dumb? Why didn't she team up with Elisabeth and Roger
and vote Colby, Keith, and Tina off (in that order) and take
the chance of winning the immunity challenge in the final
round? Why didn't she think of that? Stupid people make
me sick!
- Toa Payoh , Jurong

Too much TV-watching has been proven to increase
stupidity levels. Ms Demeanour suggests you vote to read
a book. If you can survive that, there is hope that you may
still be considered a member of civilised society. If not, you
may one day find yourself with a vocabulary as limited as
the contestants on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.