a play by
Will Kern
Copyright © 1994 by Will Kern
Skeleton
was first produced in January 1994 at Shattered Globe Theatre in Chicago, IL.
It
was directed by Wilson Milam featuring the following cast:
Robert
Edgington, ¡°Edge¡±: Jeff Still
Annie
O¡¯Shea: Rebecca Jordan
Bartender/miscellaneous
parts: Marty Duffy.
The
action takes place in Chicago, IL, sometime in the early 1990s.
SCENE
1
Lights
up on ANNIE, a woman in her mid-thirties. Annie is kind of frumpy looking, a
little hard, yet sensual. She is
sitting alone, center stage, drinking from a bottle of wine. We hear the sound of music coming from
a closed room. A door opens and we
hear the music get louder. EDGE,
also 30s, comes on stage. He is
more than a little overweight without being obese. Annie doesn¡¯t notice him at first. Suddenly a happily screaming MAN comes running out the door,
past Edge and off stage. Edge
shuts the door and goes over to Annie.
EDGE
What
is it with that Jeff Blanchard guy?
ANNIE
He¡¯s,
he¡¯s, uh, he¡¯s, uh, ¡¦
EDGE
Every
party, it gets to be late in the evening and he starts cracking open beers and
pouring them on his head.
ANNIE
What
a guy.
EDGE
He
does it as a joke.
ANNIE
King
of fucking comedy.
EDGE
Beer
is good for your hair, he says.
ANNIE
The
shampoo king. Like he ever washed
his hair in his life.
EDGE
Jeff
Blanchard is a little strange.
ANNIE
Jeff
Blanchard is a fat slob.
EDGE
And
then the party runs out of beer.
Not this time though.
McClosky stopped him this time.
ANNIE
Don¡¯t
get me started on McClosky.
EDGE
You
got to hand it to McClosky. Man of
the hour.
ANNIE
McClosky
should bathe, speaking of McClosky.
EDGE
McClosky
is every woman¡¯s dream.
ANNIE
Oh,
right. He smells like noodle soup.
(The
Man comes running through screaming, back into the party.)
ANNIE
Ever feel like you¡¯re in a small town? Living in it?
EDGE
Yeah.
ANNIE
I do. Same old people. Same old thing.
EDGE
Exactly. It¡¯s not that I
don¡¯t like it. You know. The small town thing. Feel. In the city.
ANNIE
Yeah. Except that it¡¯s so
fucking boring most of the time.
EDGE
Yeah.
(pause)
You came out here because Bill showed up, right?
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
Because Bill came. That¡¯s
why you, uh¡¦ Your purse. I saw you grab it when he stepped
through the door. The front door.
When he came in.
ANNIE
Well¡¦
EDGE
I¡¯m sorry about the guy.
There¡¯s just no figuring him out.
ANNIE
What¡¯s to figure out? Guy¡¯s
a jerk.
EDGE
He¡¯s really not.
ANNIE
Fuck him.
(pause)
Listen to me. Nice language,
huh?
EDGE
He¡¯s just all screwed up when it comes to relationships is all. He¡¯s been like that since I¡¯ve known
him. That doesn¡¯t make him a jerk,
you know, or anything. Little
confused¡¦
ANNIE
You know what he is, Edge?
He¡¯s a lying, self-centered, egotistical crybaby.
EDGE
Oh.
ANNIE
Lazy, back-stabbing, cheating, son-of-a-bitch, asshole, cocksucking jerk
off.
EDGE
I see.
ANNIE
Well, he is.
EDGE
(pause)
Are you okay?
ANNIE
Yeah, I¡¯m okay. I¡¯m a little
drunk.
EDGE
Yeah, me too.
ANNIE
But thanks for asking. I
appreciate it. I really do.
(A
loud scream comes from the party.)
ANNIE
I really got to go.
Goodnight, Edge.
(She
hands him the wine bottle, picks up her handbag.)
EDGE
Goodnight.
(pause)
Uh¡¦
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
Annie¡¦
ANNIE
Yes?
EDGE
I know you probably hate men now¡¦ And who¡¯s to say? You probably should. Given the way things turned out, uh,
you know¡¦
ANNIE
Uh-huh¡¦
EDGE
What I¡¯m trying to say is, I find you very attractive.
ANNIE
(pause)
Come on¡¦
EDGE
I do.
ANNIE
Really?
EDGE
Yes, I do.
ANNIE
I¡¯m flattered.
EDGE
You shouldn¡¯t be flattered.
You¡¯re an attractive woman.
You know that.
ANNIE
Well¡¦ You know¡¦ Not necessarily.
EDGE
Yeah. Well. I¡¯ve always¡¦ You know¡¦ You
and I. Well, I¡¯ve always liked you
a lot. You¡¯ve always been a good
friend. Of mine.
ANNIE
Oh yeah. Yeah.
EDGE
I¡¯m Mr. Smooth here. That¡¯s
what I am, right? Mr. Smooth. Am I turning red? My face is getting all hot.
ANNIE
No.
EDGE
I am¡¦ you know¡¦
(pause)
This whole thing. I¡¯ve been
trying for weeks, you know, since Bill broke up with you, or you guys broke up,
I¡¯ve been trying to figure out how I could¡¦
(Loud
party noises.)
EDGE
See, the only reason I went to this party was because I knew you¡¯d be
here. And, uh¡¦
ANNIE
Here we are.
EDGE
And I am crazy about you. I
am totally head over heels in love with you. And have been since I saw you. Met you.
(long
pause)
I, uh, I don¡¯t know. I hope
you don¡¯t think I¡¯m like this big loser or anything.
ANNIE
I don¡¯t.
EDGE
¡®Cause that would really hurt.
Really.
ANNIE
Why would you even say that?
EDGE
Well, because I¡¯ve been unemployed for a long time. I mean a long
time. And I haven¡¯t had a
girlfriend in, jeez, I don¡¯t know.
Years.
ANNIE
Yeah. I¡¯ve always kind of
wondered about that, actually. The
girlfriend thing.
EDGE
Well, you know, that¡¯s the way life is. It¡¯s damn near impossible to meet someone in the first
place, let alone somebody who you think is perfect for you and when you do it
turns out to be your roommate¡¯s girlfriend. I know you always thought of me as Bill¡¯s roommate. Probably.
ANNIE
No, I¡¦ No.
EDGE
Well, I mean¡¦
ANNIE
Uh¡¦
EDGE
You know¡¦
ANNIE
(pause)
I find you an attractive person.
EDGE
Great.
ANNIE
Man. Guy. You¡¯ve always been a good friend of
mine. And I¡¯ve always felt like
there was something between us.
EDGE
Really?
ANNIE
Sure. But things aren¡¯t what
you¡¯d call rosy with me right now.
(pause)
You don¡¯t want to get anything started with me. That would be a real bad idea.
EDGE
You¡¯re the only thing I¡¯ve been thinking about for weeks now. Which is good. Takes my mind off being out of work.
ANNIE
Thank you. That¡¯s very nice
of you to say.
(pause)
This is so weird.
EDGE
Yeah. I know.
ANNIE
You shouldn¡¯t say things like that about yourself. That you¡¯re a loser.
EDGE
I know.
ANNIE
Listen to me. Like I should
be giving you advice at all.
(pause)
So¡¦
(She
picks up her hand bag again and starts to leave.)
EDGE
I¡¯d like to spend the night with you.
ANNIE
Kind of quick, isn¡¯t it?
EDGE
Quick? Uh, yes¡¦
ANNIE
Well, it is.
EDGE
I know. But I care about you
a lot. And I¡¦ You know¡¦ And I want to hold you. It¡¯s been a long time. Since somebody¡¯s held me. Close.
(pause)
I don¡¯t know what else to tell you.
(Loud
party noises from inside.)
ANNIE
I hope you¡¯re not disappointed.
EDGE
How could I possibly be disappointed?
ANNIE
This is so weird.
SCENE 2
Edge and Annie are in Annie¡¯s apartment. Annie puts on the soft music. After a moment she takes off her shirt. Edge does the same. She goes to him and finishes taking off
his shirt.
EDGE
I know what you¡¯re thinking.
You¡¯re thinking, ¡°He¡¯s fat.¡±
ANNIE
I was not.
EDGE
Hey, it¡¯s okay.
ANNIE
You¡¯re not that fat.
EDGE
That fat. No, I¡¯m not that fat. But I am fat. Fat enough not to be thin.
ANNIE
Hey, I know what fat is. I
used to be fat.
EDGE
Did you get as fat as me?
ANNIE
No.
EDGE
Ah-ha. See?
(She
pulls off her camisole.)
EDGE
(pause)
My God. You¡¯re really
something.
(They
embrace, kiss. She begins rubbing
his genitals. He brushes her hand
away. She goes after them again, and
again he brushes her hand away.)
ANNIE
What¡¯s the matter?
EDGE
Nothing.
(pause)
It¡¯s like this. Sometimes my
body gets really weird. It¡¯s like
my body doesn¡¯t know your body.
(She
sits on the bed.)
EDGE
It just takes awhile, that¡¯s all.
I might take a couple of times.
(He
sits next to her, awkwardly.)
EDGE
I mean. I enjoy this. I enjoy touching you. My body just gets a little nervous
sometimes, that¡¯s all.
(He
stops, moves slightly away from her.)
EDGE
I¡¯m sorry.
ANNIE
Don¡¯t be sorry.
(They
sit hesitantly for a moment, not sure how to proceed. He reaches to her
and they touch. She pushes him
back on the bed.)
SCENE 3
The morning after. Edge is
still in bed. Annie is walking
around the room getting dressed.
EDGE
What time is it?
ANNIE
I think it¡¯s about 10:00.
EDGE
You want to go out and get some breakfast.
ANNIE
Not really.
EDGE
Spinach omelet? Hash brown?
ANNIE
No, I don¡¯t think so.
EDGE
Oh. Okay.
ANNIE
Not for any reason. I just have
things to do today. That¡¯s all.
EDGE
It¡¯s Saturday.
ANNIE
I know. But I¡¯ve got to
clean my apartment and stuff. And
I have to prepare for my interview.
EDGE
Oh. Okay.
(pause)
Who do you got an interview with?
ANNIE
Leo Burnett.
EDGE
I¡¯m assuming that¡¯s an ad agency.
ANNIE
Yeah.
EDGE
I¡¯ve got an interview Monday too.
ANNIE
Really? Who with?
EDGE
This cab company.
ANNIE
Yeah?
EDGE
Hey, you know, you do whatever.
Course, I got to take the Chauffeur¡¯s test first. City landmarks and stuff. And I¡¯ve got a painting job on
Wednesday. Listen, I really don¡¯t
want to talk about that. Um, I¡¯d
like to take you out on a date. Or
something.
ANNIE
A date?
EDGE
Sure.
ANNIE
(pause)
Okay.
EDGE
Yeah?
ANNIE
Sure.
EDGE
Well, damn. That was
easy. Usually it¡¯s just a flat out
¡®no¡¯ and that¡¯s the end of it. I¡¯m
kidding, of course. Sort of. Monday night?
ANNIE
Call me.
EDGE
I will.
ANNIE
Good.
EDGE
One thing though.
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
Something we need to talk about.
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
I don¡¯t feel guilty about any of this.
ANNIE
Neither do I.
EDGE
He tells me all the time that he¡¯s still in love with you but he wouldn¡¯t
take you back. I don¡¯t know that that means. But I don¡¯t feel guilty about this. I feel good about this.
(Annie
walks out of the room.)
ANNIE
(OS)
Fuck him.
EDGE
Well, whatever.
(pause)
So, I guess I¡¯m going to go.
So I¡¯ll call you. About our
date.
ANNIE
(OS)
I¡¯d like that.
EDGE
Okay. Say about seven
o¡¯clock.
ANNIE
(OS)
Sure.
EDGE
Okay then.
(Long
pause.)
SCENE 4
A bar. Edge is sitting at
the bar drinking. A BARTENDER
stands nearby staring off into space.
EDGE
This is the best damn beer I¡¯ve ever had in my entire life.
(Annie
comes on, sits next to Edge.)
EDGE
Hey Annie¡¦
ANNIE
(preoccupied)
What?
EDGE
What do you call a nervous tick?
A jitterbug. Get it?
ANNIE
Goddamn bastards.
EDGE
I just made that up. Can you
believe it? I¡¯m a genius.
ANNIE
A receptionist. What am I?
EDGE
Hey Annie.
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
You know what would really make this joint? Personalized cocktail napkins. What do you think?
ANNIE
Told me from the outset. Had
the NERVE¡¦
EDGE
Little touch of class. Like
this place needs it. So, Annie,
what do you call a—
ANNIE
Man, enough! All right?
EDGE
I¡¯m just trying to cheer you up.
ANNIE
Well stop it for Christ¡¯s sake.
We probably should have made this another night.
EDGE
I¡¯m having a wonderful time.
ANNIE
Do you lie a lot? Is that
one of the things I didn¡¯t know about you? That you¡¯re this big liar?
EDGE
Of course I¡¯m a liar. I lie
all the time. I¡¯m lying now.
ANNIE
I want a job. I don¡¯t want
to keep living off my unemployment.
EDGE
I know.
ANNIE
Oh God, I¡¯ve been going on and on about this. How did it go with the cab company?
EDGE
They¡¯re not going to hire me.
ANNIE
Why not? Because you¡¯re overqualified?
EDGE
No, they could give a shit about that. They won¡¯t hire me because I can¡¯t get a chauffeur¡¯s
license.
ANNIE
Why not? I thought it was
just streets and stuff.
EDGE
(quietly)
I failed the test.
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
I failed the test.
ANNIE
How?
EDGE
It was one of those kinds of tests where they have four answers, two
answers are obviously wrong, and two answers are right. So you can pick a right answer but get
counted wrong. And that¡¯s what
happened. So I have to take it
again. Next month.
ANNIE
At least you¡¯ve got that painting coming up.
EDGE
It got cancelled.
ANNIE
(signals
to the bartender)
Why?
EDGE
I don¡¯t know. Goddamn
aluminum siding.
ANNIE
Yeah. I want some more wine.
EDGE
Hey, what do you say we just go.
ANNIE
Fine. After this glass.
(Edge
pulls a small wrapped gift from his pocket.)
EDGE
Hey Annie. I brought you a
present.
ANNIE
You shouldn¡¯t have.
EDGE
I know. But I thought it
might be a nice thing.
ANNIE
You should save your money.
EDGE
Hey, aren¡¯t I entitled to a little pleasure?
ANNIE
(takes
it happily)
I can¡¯t believe you bought me a present.
EDGE
But don¡¯t open it yet.
(Annie
shakes the package. Edge is
pleased with himself.)
SCENE 5
Annie¡¯s apartment. Annie and
Edge come in, Edge playfully dragging her. Annie turns on the radio.
EDGE
You are a stunningly beautiful woman.
ANNIE
Oh, shut up.
EDGE
No, really.
ANNIE
You¡¯re such a liar.
EDGE
You have the most beautiful eyes I¡¯ve ever seen. They look like little wet chestnuts.
ANNIE
Are you through?
EDGE
What?
ANNIE
You know what.
EDGE
Hey, what¡¯s the deal with your apartment? Is it settling?
ANNIE
Please¡¦
EDGE
I can¡¯t help it. You¡¯re
beautiful, I got to tell you.
ANNIE
I am not a beautiful woman and you know it. I am an average looking woman. And don¡¯t try to tell me I¡¯m anything else. Because I¡¯m not. I look like what I look like and that¡¯s
all.
EDGE
Whoa, you¡¯re¡¦ What?
ANNIE
I just don¡¯t know why you have to tell me this stuff. ¡°You¡¯re a stunningly beautiful
woman.¡± What is that?
(shifts
tone)
Oh, Boo Boo, I¡¯m sleeping with you.
You don¡¯t have to flatter me.
EDGE
Boo Boo? Why don¡¯t you open
your present?
ANNIE
(pause)
Oh, now I¡¯ve made you feel bad.
EDGE
How?
ANNIE
Because I feel like I¡¯ve been bitching at you.
EDGE
Well, you have been. But
that¡¯s okay.
(She
opens the present. It¡¯s a
pre-owned cassette tape.)
ANNIE
Elvis?
EDGE
You like Elvis?
ANNIE
Isn¡¯t he that singer from Alabama or somewhere?
EDGE
I¡¯m busting a gut.
ANNIE
Everybody loves a smart ass.
EDGE
That¡¯s not really the present though. This is the present.
(He
takes the cassette from her, puts it in her tape player. The song
¡°Good
Luck Charm¡± comes up. Edge does a
comical dance and sings
the
song. Annie laughs hysterically
throughout. When it¡¯s done, she
runs
over
and throws her arms around him.)
EDGE
I know what you¡¯re thinking.
You¡¯re thinking, ¡°Elvis: The Later Years.¡±
ANNIE
I was not.
EDGE
(He
puts her head on his chest)
Listen closely. Do you hear
that? You put that sound in there.
ANNIE
What is it?
EDGE
It¡¯s the sound of fluttering angels¡¯ wings in my heart.
ANNIE
Prove it.
(They
kiss.)
SCENE 6
Edge and Annie have finished making love. Edge is a little tired. Annie is sitting up in bed.
EDGE
Jesus Christ.
ANNIE
That was really great.
EDGE
Well, that¡¯s good to hear. Better than ¡°you suck.¡± Do you want another glass of wine?
ANNIE
Yes please.
EDGE
(reaches
for the bottle on the headboard)
I¡¯ll get it.
ANNIE
Do you see my cigarettes anywhere?
EDGE
(pours
them to glasses of wine)
Uh-uh.
ANNIE
(finds
the cigarettes)
Got ¡®em.
(She
lights a cigarette. She takes a
drag or two off the cigarette and
suddenly,
without warning, her body sags.
It¡¯s as if an invisible curtain
has
fallen in front of her. She looks
very, very depressed.)
EDGE
What¡¯s the matter?
ANNIE
Nothing.
EDGE
Are you all right?
ANNIE
Fine.
EDGE
Annie?
(hands
her a glass of wine)
Annie?
ANNIE
What?
EDGE
Is it Bill?
ANNIE
Who?
EDGE
My roommate?
ANNIE
What? Oh. No. No. This happens
every time I have sex. I always
feel really guilty.
EDGE
Honey, there¡¯s nothing to feel guilty about.
ANNIE
I know.
EDGE
Sex is a wonderful thing.
It¡¯s a beautiful thing, like a painting. Like a Rembrandt.
I am constantly in awe of sex.
(Annie
puts out her cigarette and chugs her wine.)
¡°The lust of the goat is the bounty of God.¡± And of course it¡¯s so much better when you really care
for¡¦ Hey, easy, easy¡¦
(She
hands him the glass and pulls the covers over her head.)
ANNIE
Shut out the light.
SCENE 7
Annie and Edge are sleeping.
Annie wakes up from a bad dream. Edge turns on the light.
EDGE
Hey. Hey.
ANNIE
(pushes
his hand away)
Don¡¯t touch me.
EDGE
Okay.
ANNIE
Just don¡¯t.
(She
gets out of bed, sits away from him with the covers pulled
around
her.)
EDGE
What?
ANNIE
I don¡¯t want to have a relationship with you. Do you understand that?
EDGE
Sure.
ANNIE
It¡¯s nothing against you.
You¡¯re a nice guy. You
really are and I enjoy your company very much. But I don¡¯t want a boyfriend.
EDGE
I understand.
ANNIE
It¡¯s not like I want to see anybody else or anything like that. But it seems like you want something
more from me. If you want to sleep
together, that¡¯s fine. But I can¡¯t
give you anything else. I just
don¡¯t have it to give.
EDGE
(pause)
As far as I¡¯m concerned, this is the relationship that you and I have:
you and me are good friends. And
we¡¯re sleeping together. And
that¡¯s it.
ANNIE
I am so glad you said that.
That is such a load of my mind.
(He
looks at her a moment, then shuts off the light.)
SCENE 8
The bar. Edge is sitting at
the bar, talking on the bar telephone.
Music on the jukebox. The
bartender looks blankly ahead.
EDGE
(on
the phone)
No, I haven¡¯t found a job yet¡¦
What do you mean? Of course I¡¯ve been looking. What do you think I¡¯ve been doing? ¡¦
There isn¡¯t any work¡¦ No, what do
you think? What do you think? I
love being unemployed. It¡¯s great
for my dignity¡¦ And what do you
suggest?¡¦ How many times do—My
Masters is in Contemporary Mythology, not accounting¡¦ Accounting¡¦
Well, you¡¯re right, but hindsight¡¯s 20/20. Thanks for the advice.
Hey to tell you the truth, I just stepped out of the shower and I¡¯m
soaking wet¡¦ I¡¯m calling you back now, aren¡¯t I?¡¦ That¡¯s the radio¡¦
I love you too, Mom. Bye.
(hands
the phone to the bartender)
Jesus Christ, anybody else want to take a shot at me while I¡¯m just
standing here?
(an
Elvis tune, ¡°Don¡¯t Be Cruel¡±, comes up on the jukebox.)
Elvis might have been a bloated fat drug addict when he died, but as far
as I¡¯m concerned, he was the King Stud.
(Annie
comes up behind him)
ANNIE
He was a bloated fat guy, that¡¯s for sure.
(The
bartender pours her a glass of wine.
Edge and Annie start playfully
dancing.)
EDGE
(singing)
¡°I don¡¯t want no one-eyed love
Baby, it¡¯s still you I¡¯m thinking of¡¦¡±
ANNIE
What? What did you say?
EDGE
What?
ANNIE
Did you say ¡°one-eyed love¡±?
EDGE
Hey, I didn¡¯t write the song.
ANNIE
That¡¯s not the way the song goes.
EDGE
I¡¯ve been singing that song all my life. I think I know how the song goes.
ANNIE
It¡¯s ¡°I don¡¯t want no other love.¡±
EDGE
What?
ANNIE
¡°I don¡¯t want no other love.¡±
Not ¡°I don¡¯t want no one-eyed love.¡± What the hell does that mean?
EDGE
I think it¡¯s one-eyed.
ANNIE
That doesn¡¯t make any sense.
EDGE
Well, anyway, whether it makes sense or not, Elvis was still the King
Stud as far as this boys¡¯ concerned.
ANNIE
Oh, well.
EDGE
And that¡¯s what we have in common.
Elvis was as stud. I¡¯m a
stud. Brothers of the stud.
ANNIE
Too bad you guys never cut an album. You and those golden tones.
EDGE
How many lovers do you think I¡¯ve had?
ANNIE
I really wouldn¡¯t know.
EDGE
Go on, take a guess.
ANNIE
I, I really¡¦
EDGE
How many have you had?
ANNIE
I really wouldn¡¯t know that either.
EDGE
Oh, come on, I can¡¯t believe you don¡¯t know. You can tell me.
Go ahead.
ANNIE
Oh¡¦ Seventy?
EDGE
Seventy?
ANNIE
Is that a lot?
EDGE
Seventy?
ANNIE
I really don¡¯t know. I could
probably remember them all if I tried.
EDGE
I can¡¯t believe you¡¯ve had that many lovers.
ANNIE
How many have you had?
EDGE
There¡¯s no way you could remember that many lovers. Every guy. There¡¯s just no way.
Where did you meet these guys?
In bars?
ANNIE
No, at school mostly. At
parties and stuff. Used to be it
didn¡¯t take much for me to hop in the sack.
EDGE
I guess not.
ANNIE
All you pretty much had to do was ask it was, ¡°okay.¡±
EDGE
Isn¡¯t that nice.
ANNIE
How many lovers have you had?
EDGE
Never mind how many lovers I¡¯ve had. Jesus Christ.
Whatever possessed me to bring up this subject.
ANNIE
I haven¡¯t been out on many dates though. The other night was the first one in years.
(She
takes a long swig off her wine.)
EDGE
Do you realize you and I have been sleeping together for almost a month
now and we¡¯ve never had sex sober?
ANNIE
So?
EDGE
So don¡¯t you think that¡¯s a little odd?
ANNIE
No.
EDGE
You don¡¯t?
ANNIE
I¡¯ve never had sex sober.
EDGE
Never?
ANNIE
What¡¯s the big deal?
EDGE
Annie, you¡¯ve got to be kidding me.
Sex is one of the most heightened experiences in life. And it¡¯s all the more alive if it¡¯s not
dulled. Your senses.
ANNIE
Here we go again.
EDGE
You do enjoy it, don¡¯t you?
ANNIE
Oh, sure.
EDGE
Well, that¡¯s what we¡¯ll have to do then. Sometime. I
mean, obviously not tonight.
ANNIE
(motions
to the bartender)
Another here, bartender.
EDGE
Are you hearing what I¡¯m saying?
ANNIE
I really don¡¯t think I¡¯d be interested in that.
EDGE
Why not?
ANNIE
Because I¡¯m not.
EDGE
Yeah, but why not? What¡¯s
the deal? Do you have to drink
before you have sex?
ANNIE
I don¡¯t¡¯ have to do anything.
EDGE
Then what¡¯s the deal?
ANNIE
What¡¯s your problem?
EDGE
There¡¯s no problem. I just,
you know¡¦
ANNIE
I already told you sex makes me feel guilty.
EDGE
Yeah? So?
ANNIE
So one way that I, uh, get comfortable in order to, uh, do it is to
drink.
EDGE
But why do you feel guilty?
ANNIE
What are you, my fucking shrink?
Stop asking me so many goddamn questions.
EDGE
The only reason I¡¯m asking you, even talking about it at all is because I
care about you. I have no reason
to just pry into your person business.
I have no reason.
ANNIE
Then don¡¯t.
EDGE
I won¡¯t.
(pause)
Someday though. Someday you
and I will have sex when we¡¯re both straight.
ANNIE
Maybe.
EDGE
It¡¯s great. Really.
ANNIE
I¡¯m not making any promises.
EDGE
Trust me. I¡¯m the King Stud,
remember?
ANNIE
And Elvis is dead.
(She
gets up and begins dancing by herself.)
SCENE 8
Annie is talking to her therapist.
ANNIE
No, as a matter of fact, I had a really terrible week. That stuff you told me to do last
week? None of it worked. I haven¡¯t had any bad dreams lately,
but¡¦
(pause)
I probably shouldn¡¯t even tell you about this because I know what you¡¯re
going to say. As if every
situation in the world is exactly the same. And what am I supposed to do about it? Especially now?
(pause)
I had sex sober for the first time in my life yesterday.
(pause)
His name is Robert Edgington.
¡°Edge¡± for short. Can you
imagine anyone over 30 having such a ridiculous name? And it¡¯s so unlike him. ¡°Edge.¡± More
like ¡°Smudge.¡±
(pause)
It was terrible. It was, uh,
yeah. You know.
(pause)
He brought me flowers.
Roses. There was a little
card attached. It was cute. He¡¯d drawn a picture of two cartoon
characters, Ren and Stempy. The
card said Happy Happy Joy Joy.
Then he started telling me how beautiful I am and all that crap. Can you imagine? He¡¯s a big liar. He lies all the time. Not that I mind.
(pause)
We made love. The whole
time. I¡¦ I could feel my heart pounding. I love the way he touches me. And it¡¯s not bad.
It¡¯s not bad. At all. It¡¯s good in fact.
(pause)
And then the whole thing.
(pause)
Ends. As usual.
(pause)
Later that morning we went to the beach. Beach. If
you want to call it that. That
beach over there on Foster Street.
And he was singing this goofy song he didn¡¯t know the words to.
(pause)
I want to love this man so badly.
I want him more than anything I¡¯ve ever wanted in my entire life. Except to be well.
(pause)
My God. Why can¡¯t he just
leave me the fuck alone?
SCENE 10
Edge and Annie are down by the lake skipping stones in the surf.
EDGE
(sings)
¡°Kiss and angel good morning, and love her life a¡¦¡±
ANNIE
You¡¯ve been singing that song all morning.
EDGE
Wish I knew the rest of the words.
(sings)
¡°And love her like a¡¦ Squid?¡±
(Annie
skips a stone.)
EDGE
That¡¯s a good one. Ten?
ANNIE
More like seven.
EDGE
Seven. Ten. Watch this one.
(He
skips a stone.)
ANNIE
Ten?
EDGE
You¡¯re a riot, Alice. More
like three. Lake Michigan is so
putrid. Look at all the dead fish.
ANNIE
Smelts.
EDGE
Yeah. And they don¡¯t look so
good either.
ANNIE
Your jokes are really terrible.
EDGE
I wonder who has to clean up all the dead fish?
ANNIE
They have trucks come by, I¡¯m sure.
EDGE
Imagine having that for a job.
ANNIE
Imagine having a job.
EDGE
Yeah.
(Annie
sighs)
What?
ANNIE
Nothing.
EDGE
Do you have something to tell me or are you just going to look out at the
water? Hello?
ANNIE
When my mother was pregnant with my little sister, she was in an awful
state because pregnancy didn¡¯t set with her too well. Some women are like that, you know. Anyway, my father came home from
fishing one afternoon with a couple of fish in the cooler and they were live
and my mother started crying, ¡°Fish! Fish! How could you do that to the poor fish! In front of the children!¡± She was trying to protect me, see, me
and my brother. From what I don¡¯t
know. Seeing the death of fish, I
guess. Like I said, pregnancy
didn¡¯t set with her too well. And
she got so hysterical she made my dad go into the bathroom and flush them.
(pause)
I don¡¯t remember much about my childhood, but I¡¯ll never forget the look
on her face. My God I miss that
woman.
(pause)
I appreciate you not dropping me flat on my ass. I realize I¡¯m not the easiest person to
be around sometimes.
EDGE
You never want to talk about it.
What¡¯s going on. With you.
(pause)
How do you know I couldn¡¯t help you?
ANNIE
You can¡¯t.
EDGE
Yeah, but how do you know?
ANNIE
Madam Sasha knows all.
EDGE
All right, how many times is this stone going to skip?
ANNIE
Five.
(Edge
skips the stone and from his reaction we can tell the stone did indeed
skip
five times. Pause.)
I¡¯m a fucking psychic.
EDGE
You swear a lot.
A
MAN walks onto the beach with an obnoxiously loud boom box playing
obnoxiously
loud music. He sits next to
them. Edge and Annie look at
each
other.)
SCENE 11
Edge and Annie are in Annie¡¯s apartment. They are looking through the want ads in the Sunday
paper. Annie is having a little
wine. She finishes her section and
throws it on the floor next to Edge.
EDGE
Here¡¯s one.
(reading)
Make a hundred grand a year for doing nothing! If you like to travel and love rock and roll and the
opposite sex, give me a call!¡±
ANNIE
It¡¯s a beautiful day. We
should go out.
EDGE
What? In the sun? Look, here¡¯s one for you.
(reads)
Pilots needed. Expanding
courier service now hiring qualified pilots.¡± That would be a good job for you. All you have to do is learn how to fly a plane.
ANNIE
Who says I don¡¯t know how to fly a plane?
EDGE
Excuse me. I forgot what an
iconoclast you are.