The Elvis
A Cartoon with
Music
Will Kern
Copyright © 1995 by Will Kern
SCENE I: Somewhere in America.
AT RISE: THE KING OF ROCK AND
ROLL stands in a single
bright spot light on a dark
stage. Big hair, diamond rings,
white studded 70s jump suit.
Music up.
THE KING
(sings)
I'm the King
And I'm not dead dead dead dead dead dead.
I'm the King
And I'm not dead dead dead dead dead dead.
Ain't pushing up no daisies
Ain't living in Heaven like the TV said.
You remember me folks
I'm the one they call the E.
The one who shook my hips
And made the women scream.
Made it look so easy
But let me tell you friend
It could only seem that way
From the outside lookin' in.
See nothin' but the blues
Would ever follow me
So I had to fake my death in
Memphis, Tennessee.
I'm the King
And I'm not dead dead dead dead dead dead.
I'm the King
And I'm not dead dead dead dead dead dead.
Ain't pushing up no daisies
Ain't living in Heaven like the TV said.
You remember me folks,
I taught you how to dance
Remember how you used to love
That shotgun in my pants.
I guess you could be angry
And call me a liar
Cause all that stuff they said was true
In the National Enquirer
But that part of my life is done
Ain't comin' back no mo'.
Yeah I'm shacked up in this love nest
With a gal named Jackie-O.
Lights up on JACKIE-O, circa
1965. Pink skirt, jacket, pill box
hat. She sits at a card table
holding a hand of gin.
THE KING
I'm the King
And I'm not dead dead dead dead dead dead.
I'm the King
And I'm not dead dead dead dead dead dead.
Ain't pushing up no daisies
Ain't living in Heaven like the TV said.
The song ends, THE KING joins
JACKIE-O at the table, picks up
a hand of cards.
JACKIE-O
E?
THE KING
Yes, baby?
JACKIE-O
I think it's about time we had a talk.
THE KING
What is it, angel?
JACKIE-O
I don't think...
THE KING
What?
JACKIE-O
I don't think we've been completely truthful with each other. At least I can say that on my part.
THE KING
Oh?
JACKIE-O
Yes. You see...
THE KING
You can tell me, Jackie.
JACKIE-O
E. I'm a space alien.
THE KING
A what?
JACKIE-O
A space alien. My decedents were prostitutes from the planet Xemnon. They dropped me in Massachusetts and I was raised by wolves.
THE KING
Well, I...
JACKIE-O
I'm so ashamed.
THE KING
Nothin' to be ashamed of. Weren't your fault your parents were whores.
JACKIE-O
I didn't learn to eat with a knife and fork until I was thirteen.
THE KING
Always was kind of messy.
JACKIE-O
I'm sorry if you thought I was being untruthful.
THE KING
Aw heck, that's okay. Your table manners ain't too good but I always thought that was 'cause of your Yankee upbringin'. Raised by wolves, huh?
JACKIE-O
Can you ever forgive me?
THE KING
Well sure, honey, I forgive ya. Now come on over here and give me a big ol' kiss.
She leans across the table and
kisses him.
JACKIE-O
Isn't there something you want to tell me?
He puts his cards on the
table.
THE KING
Gin.
JACKIE-O
E?
THE KING
What?
JACKIE-O
You're not mad, are you?
THE KING
Space alien, huh?
JACKIE-O
I thought you would have suspected that when you saw I had three breasts.
THE KING
Hell, honey, I thought you was just well endowed.
JACKIE-O
No, I'm a space alien all right.
THE KING
And Jack?
JACKIE-O
What about Jack?
THE KING
He a space alien too?
JACKIE-O
Jack Kennedy? An space alien?
(laughs)
Where do you come up with these funny ideas?
THE KING
I don't know. I'm a genius, you know.
JACKIE-O
Jack was a Sasquatch.
THE KING
Big Foot?
JACKIE-O
Uh-huh.
THE KING
Hmmm... And his hair was always so perfect...
JACKIE-O
(pause)
Isn't there something you want to tell me?
THE KING
Like what?
JACKIE-O
I don't know. You seem kind of tense.
THE KING
Yeah, well...
JACKIE-O
You drive me crazy sometimes with your moping around.
(Pause)
I know it's because you don't think you're as smart as I am.
THE KING
Well...
JACKIE-O
But that's never been a problem, E. It shouldn't be now.
THE KING
I got a lot on my mind, baby, that's all.
(pause)
There is somethin' I wanna tell ya.
JACKIE-O
I thought there was.
THE KING
Now, I never told anybody this.
JACKIE-O
What is it, E?
THE KING
Jackie... I think... I think... I think I'm immortal.
JACKIE-O
You'll live in the hearts of your fans forever, E.
THE KING
No, Jackie, you don't get it. I remember growing up in Tupolo. I remember Gladys and Vern being my folks and all. But I was alive before that, and I was never dead. I think I really am immortal. Jackie, I'm over 5000 years old.
JACKIE-O
That's pretty old, E.
THE KING
I know.
JACKIE-O
How did you manage to stay so virile?
THE KING
Just lucky I guess. I built the pyramids, you know.
JACKIE-O
Did you really?
THE KING
All by myself. Stone by stone.
JACKIE-O
You did a great job.
THE KING
Thanks, baby.
JACKIE-O
Must have taken a long time.
THE KING
Oh, it did. But when you're immortal you got nothing but time on your hands. Oh, I done a lot of things in my 5000 years.
JACKIE-O
I can imagine.
THE KING
Beat Napoleon at Waterloo. Fought at Valley Forge. Broke up that durned Inquisition.
JACKIE-O
That's so like you. Always on the side of the underdog.
THE KING
Helped out Shakespeare with a couple of his sonnets.
JACKIE-O
Only a couple?
THE KING
What the hell. I wrote all of 'em. All his plays, too.
JACKIE-O
Listen to you. You're so modest.
THE KING
What the hell. But you know the thing I'm most proud of?
JACKIE-O
Being the first man to walk on the moon?
THE KING
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, darlin'. Not me.
JACKIE-O
Oh.
THE KING
I was the second. But that's not the thing I'm most proud of. The thing I'm most proud of is writing Moby Dick. Herman came up to me, Mel, we called him, and he said to me, "E, I'm havin' a li'l trouble writing this here book." Well, he told me what it was about, and I said, "Mel: Call me Ishmael."
JACKIE-O
No!
THE KING
Wrote the whole thing in one sitting. Mel took dictation, you know.
JACKIE-O
Oh, E.
THE KING
Aw, shucks. It weren't nothin'.
A car is heard pulling up out
front.
JACKIE-O
What's that?
THE KING
I don't know.
JACKIE-O
I think somebody's here!
THE KING
Get down, Jackie! Get down!
JACKIE-O gets on the floor.
THE KING pulls out a machine
gun.
JACKIE-O
Be careful!
THE KING
Don't worry, darlin'.
He opens the door and blasts
out rounds. He stops and
looks out.
THE KING
Oh my God!
He runs out the door.
JACKIE-O
E, honey, what's wrong?
THE KING comes back in with
the blood stained corpse of
LIZ TAYLOR. LIZ is
dressed in a nice evening
dress. She sports a beard.
He has shot her in the head.
JACKIE gets off the floor.
JACKIE-O
Liz Taylor!
THE KING
Quick! Clear off the table!
JACKIE-O
Is she dead?
THE KING
Yeah. But we'll see what we can do.
JACKIE-O
I don't know, E.
THE KING
I'm a famous brain surgeon. That's something else I forgot to tell ya.
JACKIE-O
Oh, E.
JACKIE-O clears off the
table. THE KING lays her down.
THE KING
You're gonna have to be my nurse, honey lamb.
JACKIE-O
But E--
THE KING
Don't gimme no buts, woman. Get me that little black bag.
They get in position to
operate. JACKIE-O opens
the bag.
THE KING
Scalpel.
(she hands him the scalpel)
Forceps.
(she hands him the forceps.
Statue of Liberty.
(she hands him a small replica of the Statue of Liberty)
Milk.
(she hands him a carton of milk)
Butter.
(she hands him a cake of butter)
JACKIE-O
What's that for?
THE KING
That's just in case she don't pull through, then we can make head cheese.
He moves away from LIZ.
THE KING
I done all I can do. All we can do now is pray.
JACKIE-O
Come on, Liz, you can do it.
THE KING
Oh Lord, I'm sorry I shot Liz in the head. Please make her well again. Lord hear my prayer.
Pause. LIZ starts to move.
JACKIE-O
Look, E, it worked! Your prayer worked!
THE KING
I knew it would. The Lord has a special place in his heart for me ever' since I beat the hell out of Judas Iscariot.
LIZ
(gets off the table)
What the hell are you shooting at me for?
THE KING
Well what do you come driving up here for, woman? You didn't call, you didn't give the secret knock.
LIZ
I didn't call because you don't have a phone and I didn't give the secret knock because you shot me as I was getting out of the limo.
THE KING
Oh yeah. Sorry.
JACKIE-O
What brings you out this way, Liz?
LIZ
I've got to talk to you, E. Your fans are screaming for you. They want you back.
THE KING
I can't go back, Liz. I done turned the page.
JACKIE-O
My God. You did write all of Shakespeare's plays.
LIZ
But E, don't you miss the stage? Vegas? Sleeping with lots and lots and lots of beautiful women?
THE KING
Well, now that you mention it...
JACKIE-O
E!
THE KING
But I've got my li'l Jackie-O and that makes me happy.
JACKIE-O
And I've got my E.
LIZ
And I've got three gals in that limo out there that want to welcome you back to civilization.
THE KING
Yeah?
JACKIE-O
It doesn't matter to him. That's all in the past now.
THE KING
How old are these three gals, Liz?
JACKIE-O
E!
LIZ
We got two seventeen year olds and one that's sweet sixteen.
THE KING
Sixteen, huh? Jackie, you know I love you, but I blow like the wind. I'm ready to start singin' again, and recording. I been wanting to do a new gospel album for the longest time. Okay. I'll go.
LIZ
Now that sounds like the king I know.
THE KING
Hold on a second, Liz. Let me go to the crapper real quick and I'll be right back.
THE KING exits into the
bathroom.
JACKIE-O
Everything was fine until you showed up.
LIZ
I hate to do this to you, Jackie, but let's face it. You just can't keep him all to yourself.
JACKIE-O
E loves me.
LIZ
Big deal.
JACKIE-O
You only want to exploit him, like all the others. You only want him for his money.
LIZ
And you don't?
JACKIE-O
I love him because of who he is.
LIZ
Sure you do, Jackie, sure you do. Like you loved Aristotle, right?
JACKIE-O
You can't talk to me like that! You, who've had, what, twenty husbands?
LIZ
Not twenty. Ten. What do you think I am, a slut?
A long moan comes from the
bathroom followed by a dull
thud.
JACKIE-O
What was that?
They run into the bathroom.
They scream. After a very
brief pause they come back
out of the bathroom again.
JACKIE-O cries hysterically,
LIZ is mock sad.
JACKIE-O
This time, the Lord called him home.
LIZ
The King died on the throne. What were his last words, Jackie? I couldn't make them out.
JACKIE-O
He said, "Ugh! I think I just laid me some cable."
LIZ
The King is dead. Long live the King.
(more sobbing from JACKIE-O)
And we're sure he's dead?
JACKIE-O
Oh yes. He's dead. He looks dead.
LIZ
Then there's something I have to tell you, Jackie.
JACKIE-O
What's that, Liz?
LIZ
I'm not Liz Taylor.
JACKIE-O
No?
LIZ
No.
Lightening crashes and
thunder fills the sky. LIZ
takes off her dress and wig.
She is dressed in a tunic and
wears a wreath on her head.
She is no longer LIZ but
ZEUS, Father of the Gods.
ZEUS
I am Zeus, Father of the Gods and Lord of Olympus!
JACKIE-O
I should have known! Liz Taylor doesn't have a beard!
ZEUS
And that's no limo out there, but a chariot! You see, Jackie, I have always had a thing for thee.
JACKIE-O
You keep your hands off me!
ZEUS
And such spirit! I like a woman with spirit.
JACKIE-O
Stop it!
ZEUS
Hera is on vacation, thou knowest, and the Godly Bedchamber is empty. But not for long.
JACKIE-O
Oh, that's nice. A God that cheats on his wife.
ZEUS
Worry thee not, for she will never find out.
JACKIE-O
What if she did? What if I told her?
ZEUS
Thou wouldst not want to do that, for Hera is a very jealous Goddess and would be most displeased.
JACKIE-O
I will tell her then.
ZEUS
Well, she would be mad with me and scream and yell and hit the ceiling, but what she'd do to thee! She'd fry thee in crisco.
JACKIE-O
What, like a chicken?
ZEUS
I told thee she was a jealous Goddess. Now come, Jackie, don't be coy.
JACKIE-O
Keep away!
ZEUS heaves her on his
shoulder.
ZEUS
Away to Olympus!
Thunder crashes as they go
out the door.
The stage is bare a few seconds
until THE KING comes out of
the bathroom hitching up his
belt.
THE KING
Damn narcolepsy.
He looks around. He hears
the thunder crash and rushes
to the door. He looks up in
the sky.
THE KING
Jackie!
The thunder stops. THE KING
comes back inside.
THE KING
Oh, Lord, what am I gonna do?
(drops to his knees, clasps his hands)
Oh Lord, here my prayer. Gimme a sign, Lord, some kinda direction, some kinda way. In your name I pray. Amen, baby.
The lights change. A choir
sings. The door is flung open
and JESUS CHRIST enters.
The choir stops.
THE KING
Jesus Christ!
JESUS
I hope that wasn't in vain, fella.
THE KING grabs him by the
knees, sobs into his robe.
THE KING
Oh Lord, my savior, my Eternal Guiding Light.
JESUS
All right, all right. I get the message. Now quit crying, willya? You're getting my robe all wet.
THE KING stands up, wipes
away his tears.
So how you been? Long time no see.
THE KING
I been okay, Lord. And you?
JESUS
I tell you, being the savior of the world is no easy thing. Especially with you guys acting like idiots all the time. I mean, how many times do I got to tell you guys, "Love one another." That's all. What's the big deal? But do you listen? Hell no.
THE KING
I'm sorry, Lord.
JESUS
What, is it your fault? Who said I was blaming you?
THE KING
I know, but--
JESUS
It's just frustrating, that's all. I got a lady in Kenya who prays for a piece of bread so she won't die in the street, and I got a guy in Germany who prays a new sports car and cruise for chicks. What is that? It's nuts, I swear.
THE KING
Well, I am sorry, Lord, I really am.
JESUS
So what's the big emergency?
THE KING
Lord, I--
JESUS
I know, I know, you want to ask me a favor. Boy, ain't that just like mankind. A guy has a good day, at the end of it does he bother to thank me? No. But boy, get that guy at the crap table and suddenly I'm his best friend, his long lost pal.
THE KING
I've never done that, Lord.
JESUS
I'm talking figuratively. What, are you a third grader? I got to hold your hand through all of this?
THE KING
No sir, I just--
JESUS
You want to know what happened to Jackie-O and what you can do about it, right?
THE KING
How did you...
JESUS
I'm omniscient. For crying out loud, don't be so dumb.
THE KING
I--
JESUS
And I'll tell you, it serves you right for being such a schmuck. You didn't want to start recording again. You just wanted the three girls.
THE KING
You're right, lord. I been a schmuck.
JESUS
Don't use the Yiddish. It doesn't suit you.
THE KING
Sorry, Lord.
JESUS
Okay, so she was kidnapped by Zeus.
THE KING
What for?
JESUS
What for? For the same thing you was going out to the limo for. Come on, E, you been around, you know these things.
THE KING
Can we get her back?
JESUS
"We" ain't doing nothing, pal. I don't meddle in people's affairs. If I did I'd help the woman in Kenya, not go traipsing around the fourth dimension looking for your squeeze. Besides, I couldn't do it anyway. It's out of my territory, out of my jurisdiction.
THE KING
You mean I can't get her back?
JESUS
I don't know that you can.
THE KING
I've been such a fool.
JESUS
And a liar, too.
THE KING
What?
JESUS
You wrote a couple of his sonnets and Titus Andronicus and that's all.
THE KING
I was just trying to impress her.
JESUS
Why?
THE KING
Because... Because I love her.
JESUS
Well if you love her so much why didn't you stay?
THE KING
I repent my sins, Lord.
JESUS
Oh sure, two minutes ago it was firecrackers, now it's I repent Lord.
THE KING
But I do repent, Lord. You can see in my heart and you know it's true. Come on. What do you say, for old times sake?
JESUS
Old times sake.
THE KING
Who was it carried the cross for ya that one time it fell?
JESUS
I know, I know. Sheesh. You always bring that up.
THE KING
And who taught you how to surf?
JESUS
That was you.
THE KING
And who wrote the Book of Revelations? Was that me or not?
JESUS
Yeah, but you hopelessly screwed that up. Everybody thinks 666 is the mark of the beast or some damn thing and it's supposed to be my hat size. I said it was supposed to be my hat size. My hat size. Hello? Is this on?
THE KING
Please, Jesus, oh Lord. Help me out. Help me do this one little thing.
(drops to his knees)
I'm beggin' you on my knees. Your true and faithful servant.
JESUS
All right, all right, get up off the floor. Geez, I hate to see men grovel.
(THE KING stands up)
Here, take this. You're gonna need it.
(hands him a small packet of tissue paper.
THE KING
What is it?
JESUS
It's tissue paper.
THE KING
Is it magic?
JESUS
No.
THE KING
Will it make me invisible or make me fly?
JESUS
Uh-uh.
THE KING
Then what do I need it for?
JESUS
Hey, don't argue with the me. Just take it. And here, take this too.
(hands THE KING a small package of mayonnaise)
THE KING
Mayonnaise?
JESUS
Comes in mighty handy for making sandwiches. And take this.
He takes an eight inch piece
of duct tape, plasters it on
THE KING'S thigh. He giggles.
JESUS
Let's not be juvenile.
THE KING
What do I need all this stuff for anyhow?
The lights go down low and
the door swings open with an
eerie creak. Weird light
glows from the outside.
JESUS motions towards the
door. THE KING picks up his
machine gun.
JESUS
Leave the machine gun here. You're going up against Zeus, you moron.
THE KING puts the machine gun
down, walks slowly out the
door. JESUS calls after him:
JESUS
And we're even now! I don't want you coming to me in six months saying, "Lord, I taught you how to surf, can you do me a favor?" You understand? You understand? Aw, nuts!
SCENE II: The Godly Bedchamber of
ZEUS and HERA.
ZEUS stands on one side of
the bed, JACKIE-O on the
other.
ZEUS
Canst thou see what I try to tell thee? I love thee. Let's to bed.
JACKIE-O
What the hell's the matter with you? I don't hardly even know you.
ZEUS
What's to know? Thou liked the chariot ride, didst thou not?
JACKIE-O
Yeah, right.
ZEUS
Thou screamed with delight the whole time.
JACKIE-O
I was screaming because I was a afraid you were going to drop me and I'd burn up in the sun.
ZEUS
The sun wouldn't do that. He's a good friend of mine.
JACKIE-O
Oh, and I'm just supposed to know these things, I guess.
ZEUS
What is the matter, my little turtle dove? Dost thou like me not?
JACKIE-O
No, I like thee not.
ZEUS
But why?
JACKIE-O
Because you kidnapped me and brought me to this place and I don't want to be here. Because the man I love is dead, and as soon as you found out I was alone and unprotected it was Zing! off to the Godly Bedchamber.
ZEUS
Dost thou think that puny little man could have stood in my way? I didn't need thee alone and unprotected.
JACKIE-O
Then why the get-up? Why disguise yourself as Liz Taylor?
ZEUS
I must confess, I... like women's clothing...
JACKIE-O
You're weird.
ZEUS
Tis a little habit I have, tis all. Only a little diversion.
JACKIE-O
Perv!
ZEUS
Thou must watch thy tongue. Thou wouldst not want to break the laws of Olympus, of which there are but two.
JACKIE-O
Yeah? I'll do what I want.
ZEUS
The first law is thou must love Zeus with all they heart and all thy soul and all thy mind, and the second is like unto it, thou shalt not pun.
JACKIE-O
Pun? How is that like the first one?
ZEUS
I don't like them. Why dost thou think I had Prometheus chained to the rock? Twas not because he gave man fire, twas because he handed them down the pun.
JACKIE-O
Well now you're leaving yourself wide open.
ZEUS
Jackie, thou art better than that. Surely thou doest see the value of the purging of the pun. Thou hath edited books for Viking and Doubleday, so thou hast command of the language. Of course, everyone knows how thou got that job. Tis because thou art a Kennedy, not because of thy talents.
JACKIE-O
Is that so?
ZEUS
Yes, tis so. But that does not make thee any less desirable.
JACKIE-O
Let's do this then. I challenge you to a definition bee. If I can think of a word and you don't know the meaning, you'll have to let me go.
ZEUS
I'm all knowing and all seeing. I speak every language, know every word. Thou shalt lose.
JACKIE-O
Let's do it then.
ZEUS
And if I win, do I get to knock boots with thee?
JACKIE-O
(a little disgusted)
If you promise you'll let me go.
ZEUS
Come ahead then. Have at me, quizmaster.
JACKIE-O
Define the word 'fardinbag.'
ZEUS
Fardinbag? Uh... A fardinbag is, uh... Give me another.
JACKIE-O
Why?
ZEUS
That one is too simple. I do not want to embarrass thee.
JACKIE-O
Don't worry about me. Just tell me what fardinbag means.
ZEUS
It's, it's, uh...
(wild guess)
A fardinbag is the metal container used to transport Yorkshire pudding.
JACKIE-O
Wrong! A fardinbag is a cow's stomach that's next to the esophagus. Now you have to let me go.
ZEUS
Best two out of three.
JACKIE-O
But you said--
ZEUS
I know what I said! Best two out of three!
JACKIE-O
All right. Define 'scroggling.'
ZEUS
That's, uh... that's, uh... A scroggling is the shell-hatched offspring of the Scroggasaurus.
JACKIE-O
Wrong again! You'd suck on Jeopardy, Zeus. Scrogglings are small apples left on trees after harvest. Now send me back to Earth.
ZEUS
Best three out of five.
JACKIE-O
Zeus!
ZEUS
The last time, this is it, thou hast my word!
JACKIE-O
Define 'siffleur.'
ZEUS
Siffleur... Siffleur... Ah! It's how French people say, 'the floor.'
(with French accent)
Zee fleur.
JACKIE-O
Now you're not even trying.
He steps towards her, she
steps back.
ZEUS
Come now, Jackie. I am a lonely God.
JACKIE-O
I don't know why you think that's my problem.
ZEUS
Never any laughter, never any fun. I live for a good laugh, a good tumble in the hay. Not necessarily at the same time. Now come...
JACKIE-O
You said you'd send me back!
ZEUS
I fibbed.
JACKIE-O
I've told you, I've already got a boyfriend!
ZEUS
One who is no more. Thou hast had time to grieve. Thou hast had ten whole minutes!
JACKIE-O
Yeah, well E has been alive for the past 5000 years, so that means he's immortal and he may not be dead, and if he isn't dead he'll come after me, and boy will you get yours!
ZEUS
You think I worry about this man, and weep and cry like a little suckling? I am Zeus!
(lightening and thunder crash)
Lord of Olympus!
(lightening and thunder crash)
Father of the Gods!
(lightening and thunder crash)
The God of Thunder! The Mighty Thor!
(lightening and thunder crash)
I am Thor! I am Thor!
JACKIE-O
Yeah? Well, I'm thor from where you grabbed my writht. It thtill hurtth.
(Zeus gives her a look)
On the planet Xemnon we pun all the time. And technically you're not Thor, he's Swedish. And one of the Swedish guys I've ever met.
ZEUS
I must warn thee, my love, no more puns. The only being who can pun without my wrath is my good friend Everyman, and alas, Hera hath banished him to Hades.
JACKIE-O
See? I'm not your type.
ZEUS
Au contrair, mon cheri, thou art exactly my type.
JACKIE-O
Why? There's nothing special about me. Other than I'm a space alien who was married to a US president and a Greek shipping magnate.
ZEUS
Oh, how can I explain it? Yet, I will try.
Music up:
ZEUS
(sings)
Don't need a woman with deep blue eyes
Long golden hair or athletic thighs,
Don't need a woman with a neck like a swam
Face of an angel, butt like a bun.
Don't need a woman who gets all the whistles
'Cause her breasts look like MX missiles.
Don't need a woman who is ten feet tall,
I need one things that's all.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat.
Beauty, thou canst keep all that.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat
To make me feel all right.
Don't need shapely legs from north to south
Don't need a girl with a beautiful mouth
The nicest smile from ear to ear
Cleavage that comes down to here.
Don't need a body like an hourglass
Skin as soft as a baby's a-- head!
Don't need a woman who's a living doll
I need one thing that's all.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat.
Beauty, thou canst keep all that.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat
To make me feel all right.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat.
Beauty, thou canst keep all that.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat
To make me feel all right.
I need a girl in a pillbox hat
To make me feel all right.
Music ends.
JACKIE-O
Well, if it's just the hat I'll take it off.
(she tries to get it off, can't)
What's wrong with this thing?
ZEUS
Dear Jackie, that is no longer just a hat, my dear.
JACKIE-O
No?
ZEUS
No. I like it so much I made it a part of your head. It is as much a part of you as your skin.
JACKIE-O
You take this hat off right now. Right now!
ZEUS
Or what?
JACKIE-O
Or I'm going to pun like it's going out of style!
ZEUS
I wouldn't do it if I were thee. No no no. No no no no no no no no!
JACKIE-O
What are you gonna do?
ZEUS
I will turn thee into a Jewish comic and call thee Shecky-O.
JACKIE-O
Oh, I'm scared. Hey, if you're going to Paris, watch out for the pickpockets. You don't want some French guy to Bastille your wallet.
ZEUS
Stop!
JACKIE-O
Why couldn't the musician get his pants on? He busted his zither.
ZEUS
Let us not lash each other with metal tipped tongues, let us to love!
JACKIE-O
Hey, tongues for the memories.
ZEUS
Stop, I command thee!
JACKIE-O
Command thee? Wasn't that an indian tribe?
ZEUS
Do not make me smite thee! One more pun from thee, Jackie, and I will chain thee to the rock!
JACKIE-O
Get away from me!
THE KING comes running in.
THE KING
I'm here, baby. You can stop your yellin'.
JACKIE-O
Oh, E, thank God you're alive!
ZEUS
Thou art welcome.
THE KING
Live and in the flesh, lamb chop. Now what say me and this here Zeus fella have us a little talk.
ZEUS
How didst thou get in here?
THE KING
Through the door, buddy.
ZEUS
But how didst thou get in here? Didn't anyone try and stop thee?
THE KING
Uh-uh.
ZEUS
But thou can not just walk in here like thou owns the place. This is Olympus. Home of the Gods.
THE KING
Yeah, well if you don't like it, you can sure lump it.
ZEUS laughs.
JACKIE-O
E...
ZEUS
Oh, thou hast a sharp tongue. Dost thou engage in verbal acrobatics with regularity or is this but a bubbling up of the muse?
JACKIE-O
He really just--
THE KING
I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
ZEUS
(laughs hysterically)
Zwounds! I am stung! Thou art a funny fellow, E. Where didst thou develop thy crackerjack wit?
THE KING
Same to you, but more of it.
ZEUS
(laughs)
Stop it! Thou killeth me!
THE KING
Something funny, fat boy?
ZEUS
(still laughing)
Thou art, E. I laugh only at you as I have not laughed in eons. Come, let us not quarrel, but tell me another jest that I may be in stitches hence. Anon!
THE KING
What'd he say?
JACKIE-O
He thinks you're funny.
ZEUS
E, sirrah--
THE KING
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
ZEUS
(laughs)
Thou slayeth me!
THE KING
I don't think this is funny at all. In fact, I double dog dare ya to stop across that line.
ZEUS
(laughs)
He brings in the beasts now! I howl!
THE KING
I triple dog dare ya!
ZEUS
(laughs)
Beasts in threes!
THE KING
What the hell's so damn funny?
JACKIE-O
You're doing great, honey, don't worry.
THE KING
I am?
JACKIE-O
Sure.
ZEUS
(laughs)
Come on, come on, I pray thee, more.
THE KING
Hey, I kinda like this. Uh, who was that woman I saw ya with last night? That was no woman. That was my wife.
ZEUS
(stops laughing)
Eh? I get that one not. Your sense of humor is more sophisticated than I can grasp. But no matter. Thou hast given me much merriment for the day, and for that I am truly grateful.
THE KING
If I was as ugly as you I'd shave my ass and walk backwards.
ZEUS
Press not thy luck, good fellow.
THE KING
You didn't like that one?
JACKIE-O
Okay, E, that's good.
ZEUS
So thou came to Olympus just to save thy woman? Thou took'st the chance of facing my wrath and indignation for the sake of this fair creature? Is that so, E?
THE KING
Uh, yeah.
ZEUS
I can't tell if thou art brave or foolish, but I like it. Come, let us strike a loving cup. The maiden Jackie-O is thine. I like thee, E.
THE KING
And I like you too, Zeus.
ZEUS
I thank thee.
THE KING
In fact, I like goin' to zoos.
ZEUS
I pray thee, once again?
THE KING
Sure. We got one in Memphis. I like the penguins especially.
Thunder crashes.
JACKIE-O
Couldn't you have just quit while you were ahead?
THE KING
Zeus? Zoos? You get it? I made a funny.
Thunder crashes.
ZEUS
'Tis a pun! 'Tis a pun! Spirits of the dead, rise up and take this knave to the death of a thousand nightmares! Rise up with you! To the rock with this fool that the buzzard may eat his liver through all eternity! Away! Away!
THE KING
Wait a second. Yer gonna love this. There's this guy, see, and he goes into the psychiatrist's office...
SCENE III: THE KING is chained to a rock.
Music up:
THE KING
(sings)
Well bless my soul I'm chained to a rock
And I don't know what I'm gonna do.
'Cause there's a big ol' buzzard flyin' over my head
And he looks mighty hungry, too.
I said how did I get in this big ol' mess
And how am I gonna get out?
'Cause if this big ol' buzzard wants to eat my liver
well you're gonna hear me scream and shout.
Sometimes it don't pay to get up outta bed
And sometimes I wish my name was Fred
Instead of The King.
Lord knows I been in trouble before
But this time my goose is cooked
When I saw that big ol' Zeus hep cat
I shoulda turned right around and booked.
I'm a rambler and a gambler and a sweet talkin' man
But that buzzard ain't gonna care.
He's long and lean and he looks kinda mean, lord,
I hope he doesn't touch my hair.
Sometimes it don't pay to get up outta bed
And sometimes I wish my name was Fred
Instead of The King.
Sometimes it don't pay to get up outta bed
And sometimes I wish my name was Fred
Instead of The King.
Instead of The King.
Instead of The King.
Instead of The King.
The songs ends. A BUZZARD
swoops down with has a
chainsaw in his mitts.
THE KING
Well, hey, Buzz. How's every little ol' thing.
The BUZZARD turns on the
chainsaw, advances
threateningly.
THE KING
Hold on a second!
BUZZARD
Mutt?!
THE KING
I said hold on a second!
BUZZARD
Mutt?!
THE KING
Turn off the chainsaw, man!
The BUZZARD does so.
BUZZARD
Sniveling aardvarks run amok in Hooterville.
THE KING
That thing is loud, Jack.
BUZZARD
It's like Camus said, and I quote: "What I need is five guys in gorilla suits to light my cigars and call me 'Uncle Howey.'
THE KING
Into philosophy, are ya?
BUZZARD
Is this a window or should I wash my face? And I don't take no for a farkleberry.
THE KING
I got a question for ya.
BUZZARD
Giant grasshoppers do the antler dance.
THE KING
Now, you're a buzzard, right?
BUZZARD
Exacto-spoon.
THE KING
So that means you only eat dead stuff.
BUZZARD
I'm glamourpuss.
THE KING
Well, I'm not dead.
BUZZARD
Emily Dickinson loves the chocolate potato salad.
THE KING
And if this is for eternity that means I'm never gonna die.
BUZZARD
The Pentagon is run by Koala bears.
THE KING
So you can't eat my liver 'cause I ain't dead, and I ain't never gonna die.
BUZZARD
(dawning realization)
Exacerbate. Pero, in the immortal verbs of Joseph Stalin, I am the boot. You are the face. Crush crush crush. Kettle?
The BUZZARD picks up the
chainsaw.
THE KING
Wouldn't my liver taste better with say, oh, I don't know, a little mayonnaise?
BUZZARD
(dreamily)
Ah, mayonnaise. The succulent cream of heaven.
THE KING
I got some mayonnaise, baby.
BUZZARD
Fussbudgets anonymous.
THE KING
I do too. I've got a li'l ol' packet in my back pocket. Take a big ol' whiff and see if you don't smell mayonnaise.
BUZZARD
(sniffs the air)
Hmmm... Toothboot. Squib kick the ball boy!
THE KING
Question is, how are ya gonna get it? Can't reach back there 'cause you ain't got no hands, can't use your claws 'cause you got sneakers on, and you can't untie me 'cause what if I got away?
BUZZARD
(disheartened)
Life is bananas.
THE KING
But hey, if you stuck your head between my legs you could probably pick it out with your beak.
The BUZZARD puts down
the chainsaw.
BUZZARD
Sick elephants mock the porcupine...
THE KING
No, man, no tricks. Trust me.
The BUZZARD puts his head
between THE KING'S legs and
THE KING tightens his grip.
Music up:
THE KING
(sings)
I'm gonna break your neck if you don't lemme go
Uh-huh-huh.
I'm gonna break your neck if you don't lemme go
Uh-huh-huh.
I'm gonna take your neck, snap it in two
And jump on your head like a kangaroo
I'm gonna break your neck if you don't lemme go
Uh-huh-huh.
Now won't you be a sweet thang and a-loosen these chains
Uh-huh-huh.
Now won't you be a sweet thang and a-loosen these chains
Uh-huh-huh.
'Cause if you don't be nice I'm gonna tighten my grip
Pop your head like a big ol' zit.
I'm gonna break your neck if you don't lemme go
Uh-huh-huh.
Now you're a nice guy and you don't wanna die
Uh-huh-huh.
Now you're a nice guy and you don't wanna die
Uh-huh-huh.
But if you don't let me go I'm gonna get real mean
Drop your head in a washing machine
I'm gonna break your neck if you don't lemme go
Uh-huh-huh.
I'm gonna take your neck, snap it in two
And jump on your head like a kangaroo
I'm gonna break your neck if you don't lemme go
Uh-huh-huh.
Uh-huh-huh.
Uh-huh-huh.
Uh-huh-huh.
Music ends. The BUZZARD
loosens the chains. THE KING
is free. He relaxes his grip and
the BUZZARD gets loose.
THE KING
Thanks, partner.
BUZZARD
I can't believe I fell for that one. What a sap!
(shocked)
Hey! I can talk again! You touched me and I'm cured! You cured me, E!
THE KING
That correspondence course in faith healin' really paid off.
The lights change. An eerie
sound rumbles low from the
distance. They look up.
THE KING
What's that?
BUZZARD
It is Hera returning from her vacation in the Florida Keys! Fly! Fly!
The BUZZARD exits on
wing. THE KING calls after
him:
THE KING
Hey, what am I supposed to do? I can't fly! Hey, come back here, man!
HERA enters. The noise
fades and the lights go back
to normal. Pause.
HERA
Art thou the one they call "The King?"
THE KING
(bows down to her)
Evening.
HERA
I am pleased to meet thee. I am a big fan of thine. I hath thy Greatest Hits tape on the godly tape deck in Olympus even as we speak.
THE KING
Really? I was just there.
HERA
Did Zeus banish thee to the rock?
THE KING
Well, ma'am, he did in fact. See, Zeus kidnapped Jackie-O and--
HERA
He what!
THE KING
And I come to get her back.
HERA
While the cat's away the mice do make merry behind her back, it would seem. So Zeus doth plan a little sexual tryst with Jackie, eh?
THE KING
O.
HERA
What?
THE KING
Jackie-O, not Jackie-A.
HERA
Well, we must see what that bloated bag of flesh called Zeus is up to, shan't we? Come hence. We must make haste to Olympus.
THE KING
It's like the first mate said to the captain. The schooner we get there, the better.
(Hera gives him a dirty look)
I didn't say that.
(pulls out a mini-E hand puppet, points to it)
He said it.
SCENE IV: The Godly Bedchamber of
ZEUS and HERA.
ZEUS chases JACKIE-O
around the bed.
ZEUS
Come hither, my sweet. Givest me thou a kiss. Kiss this passionate fool, this God slave!
JACKIE-O
Man, what is with you?
ZEUS
One little peck from thy sweet honey lips, Jackie. I beg thee.
JACKIE-O
Keep away!
HERA and THE KING enter.
HERA
What dost thou think thou are doing?
ZEUS stops in his tracks.
JACKIE-O runs over to
THE KING.
HERA
What hast thou to say for thyself?
ZEUS
Hello, Hera. How wast thy vacation?
HERA
I waiteth.
ZEUS
Oh, hast thou met the new maid?
HERA
I think this be funny not, Zeus. Well, speak!
ZEUS
This be not reality, but a dream. Wake up, Hera, my pet, wake thee up.
HERA
I am awake, husband.
ZEUS
So... Didst thou catch any fish?
HERA
I landed a quivering jelly fish with his tunic to his ankles!
ZEUS
(stuttering)
Dost thou--dost thou mean me?
She turns to JACKIE-O.
And as for thee!
JACKIE-O
What did I do? He kidnapped me. Ask E.
THE KING
Hey, that's right.
HERA
I care not to hear excuses from thee, bitch dog. Play with my husband, will thee?
THE KING
Now let's have a little less of the name calllin'.
JACKIE-O
Nobody was playing with anybody! He was chasing me around the bed!
THE KING
Hey Hera, come on babe. Be cool.
HERA
I care not what transpired! Hera shall always be revenged!
She throws her arms in the
air. The wind blows hard and
the lights dance wildly.
Blackout. The wind dies
down and the lights come up
again.
JACKIE-O has been turned into a
statue of a man with a lampshade
on his head.
THE KING
Jackie!
ZEUS
Never any laughter, never any fun...
HERA
What didst thou say?
ZEUS
Nothing, my sweet.
THE KING
Hera, please, gimme back my Jackie-O. She didn't do nothin'.
HERA
She is a statue and will remain thus.
THE KING
But that ain't fair, dammit!
HERA
I care not for fair.
THE KING
Listen, you said you like my singin' right?
HERA
So?
THE KING
Then do me this one li'l favor. You got a lotta enjoyment outta me. Do me this li'l thing back.
ZEUS
Why dost thou not send him on an adventure, my sweet? To prove his humbleness and his worth.
HERA
Thou hast something on thy cheek, my Lord.
ZEUS
Eh?
(tries to brush it away, whatever it is)
HERA
Here. Let me get it.
(she pokes him in the eye)
THE KING
I know you're angry, ma'am, but--
HERA
Stop thy whining before I lose my patience with thee. Be thankful thou art among the living. Now, get thee ready, for I shall send thee back to Earth, back to thine own dimension, but forget not this kindness I hath shown upon thee.
THE KING
Can I have another minute with Jackie? Just one?
HERA
She is stone. She cannot hear thee.
THE KING
Please Hera. Just one.
HERA
All right. One minute. But make thyself snappy.
The lights dim. A slow, sad
song plays as THE KING sings
to the statue:
THE KING
If I could hold you in my arms again
And stroke your long brown hair
And kiss you like I used to do
With lips as light as air.
We could talk about our memories
And all the sweet things that you said
And hold your body next to mine
In our warm and tender bed.
If I could see your eyes again
My own would cry the tears
Of loving you with all my heart
As I have through all these years.
But Jackie you're a statue now
With a lampshade on your head.
And the heart that used to beat with love
Is now as cold as lead.
If you could cry they would be statue tears
Tears of stone, tears of the dead.
But you can't cry my gentle love
With that lampshade on your head.
HERA & ZEUS
Lampshade on your head.
THE KING
(spoken)
You know, sometimes the dreams you have just get cut away. Lost to the surgeon's knife. And now it feels like winter time. 'Cause everything's dyin' all around. All the trees are bare and naked. And the snows are on the ground.
Well, snow's okay. I mean, I kinda like it. It's a little bit cold, but you know, you can go out and make yourself a little snowman. Get ya a li'l corn cob pipe and a button nose. Coal eyes. Li'l scarf. Top hat. And then ya go and make some of them arms outta branches and stuff, you know. But Jackie--
I'm sorry, I'm getting off the subject here.
I'll miss ya, baby. Goodbye.
(sings)
If you could cry they would be statue tears
Tears of stone, tears of the dead.
But you can't cry my gentle love
With that lampshade on your head.
HERA & ZEUS
Lampshade on your head.
The song ends and THE KING
wipes a tear from his eye.
THE KING
I'm ready.
HERA
Thou singeth sweetly and hath moved me much.
THE KING
Well, thank ya, ma'am.
HERA
I will offer thee a covenant. If thou wilt go on an adventure and complete the task I shall lay before thee, I will free thy lady from her stone coffin.
THE KING
Could'ja run that by me again.
ZEUS
She speaks of an adventure, lad.
HERA
Silence! If thou wilt complete this adventure thou shalt have Jackie-O among the living again.
THE KING
Well hell yes I'll do it.
HERA
Done then.
THE KING
So what do I do?
HERA
I will send thee to Atlantis in the Bermuda Triangle. There you will do battle with Ares.
THE KING
Who? I'm, I'm--my Greek Mythology's a little rusty.
HERA
Ares, son of Zeus and Hera, the God of War.
ZEUS
One of ours. Not a good egg.
HERA
Wilt thou keep thy floodgates shut!
ZEUS
I pray thee dear, hit me not!
HERA
Thy mother is no longer among the living, is she?
THE KING
No ma'am.
HERA
But if she were, and t'were Mother's Day, what would thou do for her?
THE KING
Buy her a Cadillac, I reckon.
HERA
See'st thou? Ares didn't even phone his mother on the celebrated day. I said to him, "Ares, thy mother is injured from this slight" and dost thou know what he answered thus?
THE KING
Uh, no ma'am.
HERA
He sayeth, "Tough titty, sayeth the kitty, but the milk was still fit to sup." So if thou can'st punish that little snot-nosed brat I will only be the happier.
THE KING
All right. So, uh..
HERA
I know he is vanquished when thou bringest me his sword.
THE KING
But that means I'll have to kill him.
HERA
Thou cannot kill him, he is a God.
THE KING
Then how am I supposed to get his sword?
HERA
That is thine own problem.
THE KING
So are ya gonna gimme some kinda magic or somethin' I can--
HERA
I can give thee nothing. I can get thee inside the temple, tis all. But before thou gets to the Temple thou must first go to Hades to free the soul of Everyman.
THE KING
What, every guy down there?
HERA
No, no. Not every man. Everyman.
THE KING
What? I don't...
HERA
That is his name. It is one man. Everyman is his name.
THE KING
Oh. Well, why do I gotta do that?
HERA
He will help thee in thy quest.
THE KING
(not really getting it)
Okay. So, uh, so is he magic, or...
HERA
No.
THE KING
He's got some kind of special power then, right?
HERA
He can bounce poker chips off his gut.
THE KING
Wouldn't it be better if you just made me invisible?
HERA
Ah!
THE KING
Sorry ma'am, but ya ain't exactly puttin' cheese on my cracker, if you know what I mean.
HERA
Dost thou want this adventure or not?
THE KING
Oh, sure.
HERA
Then stop with the insipid folderol and pay attention to what I tell thee.
THE KING
Yes ma'am.
HERA
When you get into the--
(notices ZEUS making moon eyes at the statue)
What art thou doing?
ZEUS
(caught red-handed)
Nothing!
HERA
(continues)
When thou get into the Temple, seek ye Hera's Magic Box. It will aid you in your quest.
THE KING
Now you're talkin'.
HERA
Thou will know it when thou seest it.
THE KING
So what am I looking for?
HERA
What did I just say? What did I just say? I said thou will know it. What is thy problem? Dost thou not understand simple English?
THE KING
Well, sure...
HERA
That is good. Thou art a good boy. Now, hast thou anything to say before thy leave taking?
THE KING
Well. I reckon not. Except--
Music up:
THE KING
(sings)
City of Atlantis is where I wanna be
Down past the shoreline underneath the sea
Gotta whole lot o' trouble but gimme some room
I'm gonna stop this Ares cat and shoot him the moon
Viva Atlantis!
Viva Atlantis!
Viva Atlantis!
Viva Atlantis!
Oh yeah.
Well I'm goin' down to Hades, land o' the dead
And pick up Everyman like ol' Hera said
Then we're gonna go get this Ares cat
So I can get my li'l Jackie-O back.
Viva Atlantis!
Viva Atlantis!
Viva Atlantis!
Viva Atlantis!
Oh yeah.
SCENE V: Hades.
The lights are low. Creepy
sounds of dogs howling, fire
crackling. Lights up on
EVERYMAN, who looks a
hell of a lot like Groucho
Marx: frizzy hair parted in
the middle, round spectacles,
furry eyebrows, greasepaint
mustache, cigar. He's
watching a Chicago Cubs
baseball game on TV.
THE KING stumbles into this
scene, lost. He sees
EVERYMAN, goes to him.
THE KING
You Everyman?
EVERYMAN
Who wants to know?
THE KING turns off the TV.
Hey, turn that back on.
THE KING
We gotta go.
EVERYMAN
Say, don't I know you? You're The King!
THE KING
Yeah, it's me.
EVERYMAN
I can't believe it. You're one of my heroes.
THE KING
Well, thank ya.
EVERYMAN
You're one of the greatest pro football players of all time. If not the greatest.
THE KING
Well...
EVERYMAN
Yeah, I watched you break O.J. Simpson's single season rushing record.
THE KING
Weren't nothin', really.
EVERYMAN
Yeah, but you did it on one play.
THE KING
I had good blocking.
EVERYMAN
So the Weekly World News was wrong. You are dead. That just goes to show you can never trust the media. And you sure don't ever want to leave her with your children.
(beat)
Media. Medea. You get it? All right, it's a little obscure.
THE KING
I come to get you. Hera told me to. We got us this li'l thing goin' on in Atlantis.
EVERYMAN
Hera. That cow. She hates me, boy.
THE KING
She does?
EVERYMAN
Sure. She banished me from Olympus 'cause I raided the fridge. Nothing but Ambrosia and Nectar anyway. You'd think at the Home of the Gods you could at least get a steak or something. She got mad when I made a comment about it. And I wasn't being rude or anything. I was very nice, very polite. I said, "What the hell are you guys, vegetarians? I want a steak and I want it now, dammit!
THE KING
Well, anyway, we kinda gotta get a move on, so--
EVERYMAN
Me and Zeus are good pals. You think that makes a difference? All those nights we used to go bowling...
THE KING
Say, uh--
EVERYMAN
I slept with Aphrodite once. Cornered her at a party and she couldn't resist me. I did my Sammy Davis for her, and that works every time.
(as Sammy Davis)
"Hey, babe, let's groove on back to my swingin' pad and make like a couple of wild horses, babe. I'm hip, mmm, yeah, uh-huh."
(imitates a randy horse)
Whee-ha ha ha ha, wheee ha ha ha, snort!
(a little shamefaced)
Yeah, well, she was pretty drunk. You want a beer?
THE KING
Look, man, we gotta get goin'.
EVERYMAN
No, go on, have a beer. I got a whole fridge full. Besides, we can't go anywhere. The Cubbies are on. That's all you get on the Hades channel. Seattle Seahawks, L.A. Clippers and Chicago Cubs. You didn't think I knew who Sammy Davis was, did ya? I know a lot of things. Time has passed. Joe Montana passed too until he retired. But he hasn't passed away. He's not that retired.
THE KING
Look I--
EVERYMAN
Last time the Cubs were in the series was back in '45, and of course it was blacked out. Not that I'm so old I can remember. I'm not that old. Guess my age. Go on, guess.
THE KING
We ain't got time for this, man--
EVERYMAN
I'm five years old. That's right. Five. I was born on leap year.
THE KING
Hey, listen--
EVERYMAN
A girl doesn't lie about her age. A girl doesn't, but I do. I love Harry Carey. Wish he was still doing the games. He's in Heaven.
THE KING
Man, shut up a second, willya?
EVERYMAN
I'm on the Hades intramural softball team. We play the Gods a lot, but they cheat, naturally, and they always win. I'm a pitcher. I pitch like my hair's on fire. Sometimes my hair is on fire. This is Hades, after all.
THE KING
Man, I'm not putting up with no more o' this. Now shut up, dammit, I mean it.
EVERYMAN
(a little indignant)
Anything you say, E.
THE KING
Okay, now--
EVERYMAN
I mean, you're The King and everything so I think I can pretty well obey an order given by his royal highness. Now we're back to the horses again.
THE KING
What?
EVERYMAN
Sure. You got to put on the highness if you want to ride 'em. Otherwise, they won't steer. And that's no bull.
THE KING
I'm not gonna tell ya again.
EVERYMAN
Sleeping with Aphrodite was weird 'cause she doesn't have any arms. I could make a crack here about disarmament, but I won't. You did the wild thing with Ann-Margaret, didn't you? Boy, that's one box I'd like to pack.
THE KING grabs him by the
shirt.
THE KING
Man!
EVERYMAN
Okay, okay, watch the shirt! It cost me five bucks. Or was it one stag? If I get near a joke I'll take a stag at it.
THE KING lets him go.
THE KING
Hera wants me to pick you up and take you to Atlantis.
EVERYMAN
What for?
THE KING
I don't know. We're goin' to the Temple of Ares.
EVERYMAN
The God of War?
THE KING
Uh-huh.
EVERYMAN
Have you been eating those funny little mushrooms again? Next you'll be trying to eat your corn flakes with a backhoe. Then you'll have to stand at the backhoe the line.
THE KING
Don't try and talk me out of it.
EVERYMAN
Do you know who he is? Ares invented war. Do you know what would happen if you got on his bad side? He'd probably cut off your head, or saw you in half, or tie you to a chair and make you watch The Postman.
THE KING
Listen Jack, you're gonna help me out. Hera turned my woman into a statue and she won't turn her back unless we do this li'l ol' thing.
EVERYMAN
Now see, that right there is nuts. Hera wouldn't make that offer unless she knew you were going to fail. She's a callous bitch. If you think that's the worst of it you should taste her spinach soufflé. And the fact that she wants me to come along just proves my point. I mean, do you even know what it is I'm supposed to do?
THE KING
Uh, no...
EVERYMAN
I've never been to Atlantis. I don't even know what the temple looks like.
THE KING
You don't?
EVERYMAN
No. She's taking you for a ride, pal, a ride I'd just as soon no go on, thank you. Now if it was the Indiana Jones ride or those little bumper cars...
THE KING
I gotta have you, man.
EVERYMAN puts his
headphones on, his hands
over his ears.
EVERYMAN
I can't hear you? What did you say?
THE KING
I can't do this thing without you.
EVERYMAN
La la la la la la la. Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Wrigley Field. La la la... I love my radio. "Cubs are down ten - nothing in the top of the first..." We're coming back! We got 'em right where we want 'em! We're coming back!
THE KING picks up
EVERYMAN in
a big bear hug.
EVERYMAN
Does this mean you and me are going to the casbah?
Thunder crashes!
SCENE VI: The Temple of ARES.
The lights up on THE KING and
EVERYMAN. The transistor
radio blares the ball game.
THE KING
Turn that off!
EVERYMAN
(he does)
Where the hell are we?
THE KING
I dunno. But I guess it's probably the Temple of Ares.
EVERYMAN
Take me back. I want to go back. I'm not going to help you do this.
THE KING
Aw, quit yer cryin', will ya?
THE KING notices a big
package. He goes over to it,
starts to open it up.
EVERYMAN
I mean it. I'm not going to help you. Listen, will you wise up? None of it makes any sense. There ain't no reason for me to be here. Can you gimme one reason? Just one?
THE KING
You ain't doin' anything anyway now are ya, 'cept sittin' on that damn couch, smokin' cigars, swillin' down warm beer and stuffin' your face with tater tots.
EVERYMAN
All right, all right, you don't gotta get personal, Mr. Bigshot Celebrity.
(looks to see what is in the box)
What is it?
THE KING takes out the
contents of the package. It is a
pink two-piece horse costume,
front half and back half.
THE KING
It's a horse suit.
EVERYMAN
I didn't know they wore suits.
THE KING
Maybe it has magic powers or somethin'.
EVERYMAN
Yeah, and I'm Michael Jackson. So what's say you and me beat it back to Hades. I'm not in the mood for a thriller. I'm sorry. That joke is so dated.
THE KING
And bad.
EVERYMAN
Don't you start.
THE KING
Well here, put this on.
EVERYMAN
No way.
THE KING
Don't argue with me, man. Just put it on.
EVERYMAN
Forget it.
(tries to light his cigar, is out of matches)
You got a light? That's one good thing about Hades. Your cigar never goes out. Your clothes don't either.
A noise is heard off stage.
THE KING
Did you hear that?
EVERYMAN
No.
THE KING
Lord a mercy. Somebody's comin'. Put it on man, quick.
EVERYMAN
Oh no, I'm not gonna be the back half.
THE KING
Just put it on!
They put the costume on.
EVERYMAN looks at the
sky.
EVERYMAN
Yeah, this is Hera all right. Everyman, the horse's ass. If I ever get back to Olympus, you just wait. I'm going to sit there and take it like I always do.
The Horse stands in the
corner, unobtrusively as a
pink horse can. ARES, God
of War, comes in followed by
two Kings, ASAHI and
PENTAX, who kneel before
him. Beside PENTAX is a
big golden chest. ARES sits
on the throne.
ARES
(extremely bored)
Yes, yes, well, let's get on with it.
ASAHI
Oh Great Ares, God of War, maker of the spear and sword, we come in thy presence today to beg most humbly a great favor in thy name.
PENTAX
Our nations have been raging against each other this past half century. We grow tired, our countries grow weak, and our women weep for the lost souls of their dead sons and lovers.
ARES
Well. That be a shame.
ASAHI
We pray to you on bended knee and ask you to end our war and our long suffering.
PENTAX
That peace and prosperity may reign in our hearts and--
ARES
Yes, yes, I getteth the picture. Well, what didst thou bring me. Pentax?
PENTAX opens the gold
chest which is filled with
gold.
PENTAX
I have brought gold. Half my kingdom's worth.
ASAHI takes a large leather
purse off his belt and puts it
at ARES' feet.
ARES
Asahi?
ASAHI
I have brought diamonds and rubies which sparkle like the sun. The wealth of my nation lies at thy feet.
ARES
Gold, huh? Diamonds and rubies, is it?
ASAHI
Yes, your grace.
PENTAX
Yes, oh lord.
ARES
Thou thinks I would stop a perfectly good war for tawdry gold and jewels? What do I look like, King of the Disco?
PENTAX
Please, your grace--
ARES
Silence, fool! I like your war. It hath always been most yummy to my countenance. And thou wisheth me to give all that up for rocks and metal?
PENTAX
Well. We were sort of hoping so, yes.
ASAHI
That was the plan, your Godship.
ARES
Hast thou lost thy senses? Hath the bird of thy senses opened up the cage of thy head and flown the coop? To the Pit of Pork and Beans with thee!
He raises his hand. The two
Kings are moved backwards
by an invisible force.
ASAHI
Not the pit of pork and beans!
ARES
The same!
They struggle against the
might of ARES, screaming,
pleading!
PENTAX
We take it back, oh lord! We shall have war! All you want!
ASAHI
Yes! All you want! But not the pit of pork and beans!
ARES
Silence, cowards, and take thy punishment like men!
They drop into the Pit of
Pork and Beans. We hear
screaming, and a loud
sploosh.
ARES
Imagine. Gold and jewels. What do they think me? A teenage girl? As if.
(notices the horse)
What is this? Quick! Kill it! Kill everything you fear!
THE KING
Whoa, baby, whoa! Don't kill me, man!
ARES
Do I know thee?
THE KING
It's me, Eddie. Eddie the horse.
ARES
Well, Eddie. Give me one good reason why I should not slay thee.
THE KING
I'll give ya a reason, Jack.
ARES
It better be good. Or thou art dead!
Music up. THE KING sings
while the HORSE does a tap
dance.
THE KING
A cat named Pegasus was my dear old dad
The night I was born he was kinda sad
'Cause I was born without no wings
But whoopsie lookee here this boy can sing
If someone asks you what's the name of that jammin' quadruped,
The one that makes you wanna dance all night
And makes you jump right outta your head.
Well it's Ed.
Eddie the horse.
Well I'm the greatest horse that was ever born
And I ain't gotta be no unicorn
'Cause I can sing a song like a li'l bird
Sweetest song that you ever heard.
So watch out girl I'm comin' to your town
So you can dig on my crazy sounds.
If someone asks you what's the name of that jammin' quadruped,
The one that makes you wanna dance all night
And makes you box right outta your head.
Well it's Ed.
Eddie the horse.
He don't take no prisoners
He don't use no force.
I'm back in the saddle, I don't mean to rattle ya
But they call me Eddie the horse.
Of course,
Eddie the horse.
The song ends. ARES eyes the
horse suspiciously.
ARES
Well.. All right. But thou cannot stay in the Temple, but in the barn. Get thee to the barnery.
THE KING
Okay, baby.
The sound of the transistor
radio comes on tuned to the
baseball game.
ARES
Pray, what is that odd racket?
The front horse leg kicks the
back horse leg and the radio
is shut off.
ARES
This be a trick!
ARES raises his hand and the
costume comes apart.
THE KING
What is with you, playin' the dang radio--
EVERYMAN
I thought I had my earphones in.
ARES
Thou art E, are thou not?
THE KING
Yeah.
ARES
What art thou doing in my Temple?
EVERYMAN
I'll tell you. I'm a coward. Hera sent us.
ARES
For what purpose?
EVERYMAN
She wants to kill you--
THE KING
(overlap)
Make peace with you!
ARES
(to Everyman)
I know thee too, don't I? Thou playest on the Hades softball team. You're the one who pitches with his hair on fire.
EVERYMAN
It's nice to be remembered. By the way, next time you talk to Zeus, tell him the Hades air conditioners are broken and the coke machines need fixed. And tell him I said this:
(he lifts up his shirt, jiggles his belly)
Zumba zumba zumba zumba.
(embarrased laugh)
I'm wearing a girdle. How did that get there?
ARES
I remember you because you hit me with a pitch!
EVERYMAN
I never said I have perfect pitch. Why do you think nobody asks me to sing at their Bat Mitzvah? Which, by the way, is an absolute necessity in softball.
THE KING
A Bat Mitzvah?
EVERYMAN
No, a catcher's mitzvah, of course.
ARES
Enough of this.
EVERYMAN
Thank you.
(looks at his watch)
I'm about ready to go on break.
ARES
What didst thou bring me?
THE KING
Bring?
ARES
You're messengers, are you not? Mother always sends gifts with messengers.
THE KING
Uh...
ARES
If thou hast no gift...
EVERYMAN
The horse suit!
ARES
A horse suit...
EVERYMAN
This horse suit is talented, magic. It could play Vegas.
ARES
Why?
EVERYMAN
I don't have the Vegas idea.
ARES
To the Pit of Pork and Beans!
EVERYMAN
You can't throw me in pork. It's against my religion.
ARES
I didn't know you were Orthodox.
EVERYMAN
I'm not Orthodox, I'm paradox, but leave my birds out of this.
THE KING
Now hold on a second, baby. We brought gifts.
EVERYMAN
Yeah, we did. Sure.
ARES
Then what didst thou bring me? You, with the mustache...
EVERYMAN
I brought you this radio.
ARES
A radio.
EVERYMAN
Yes sir.
ARES
A puny transistor radio.
EVERYMAN
It gets all the Hades channels. Which is great if you like Milli Vanilli.
ARES raises his hand and
EVERYMAN struggles to
the pit.
EVERYMAN
Thanks a lot, E. Do you care about what happens to other people? No way! Never mind that No'way is a country where it snows a lot. My father snows a lot and he never got kicked out of bed. You're the reason Jackie-O got turned into a statue, and now I gotta swim in pork and beans for the rest of eternity. Yeah, you're the king all right. King of the jerks!
EVERYMAN splooshes into
the pit.
ARES
There is nothing wrong with not caring what happens to other people as long as you get your way. Tis a trait I find most appealing.
THE KING
I'm a bad man, a selfish bastard.
ARES
Don't worry about him. He won't swim in pork and beans for the rest of eternity.
THE KING
He won't?
ARES
No. He'll sink.
THE KING
If he was here he'd make a crack about he'll sinki. You gonna throw me in the pit now?
ARES
It dependeth on the gift.
THE KING hands him the tissue
paper.
THE KING
All I got on me is this li'l ol' package of tissue paper. That's all I got.
ARES
Tissue paper.
THE KING
Uh-huh.
ARES
Tissue paper.
THE KING
Yeah.
ARES
Well, that is something. Now this is a gift. I am delighted.
THE KING
You are?
ARES
Most certainly. What are gold and jewels? Matter from the earth, 'tis all. But tissue paper. Canst thou blow thy nose on gold? Canst thou wipe they hands clean with diamonds? I should say not. But tissue paper. There is a gift to be treasured and enjoyed. I am most pleased.
THE KING
Well good. Does that mean you ain't gonna throw me in the pit?
ARES
The pit? Of course not.
THE KING
Well hey, that's great.
ARES
I shall but torture thee.
THE KING
Oh.
ARES
But how? I know! I shall cut off one inch of thy penis every day until there be nothing left.
THE KING
One inch a day? You mean you're gonna torture me for a month!
ARES
You like that not? Then prepare to die!
THE KING
I'm immortal, Bub, so you can stop all that talk about killin' me.
THE KING and ARES do battle
in an outlandish kung fu match.
Music up:
THE KING
(sings)
I'm a Kung Fu man trained in old Japan
I got a mess o' trouble in my bare hands
I can break through boards and that ain't all
One time I busted a brick with my skull
I got flyin' feet that'll make you a wreck
And you ain't seen nothin' like my kicks in the neck.
Cause I'm a Kung Fu rock and roller
And they call me Karate Dan
When you see me comin' up that road
You better get out of town just as fast as you can.
One time a Ninja man dressed all in black
Pulled some noonchucks from his ol' rucksack
Them sticks was flyin' wild as a bug
But he weren't messing with no two-bit mug
You see you mess with me you get your ass kicked free
And I cleaned his clock in the third degree
Cause I'm a Kung Fu rock and roller
And they call me Karate Dan
When you see me comin' up that road
You better get out of town just as fast as you can.
THE KING throws a karate kick
and knocks ARES' head clean
off his body. The song ends.
ARES' body lies behind his
throne, sticking halfway out.
THE KING picks up his head sits
it on the throne.
THE KING
I choreographed the fight scenes for Enter The Dragon.
ARES
Thou thinks thou hast the best of me, eh? Dream hence! The terror has just begun! What art thou doing? I can't see thee!
THE KING
Takin' care of business.
THE KING takes the tissue paper
and stuffs it in his mouth,
then he takes the piece of
tape from his thigh and tapes
ARES' mouth shut.
THE KING throws a rope down
into the pit. He calls down:
THE KING
Hey Everyman? You all right?
EVERYMAN
(from the pit)
Hey, I think there's an echo in here.
(Beat, faintly)
Hey, I think there's an echo in here.
(Beat)
No, it's just me.
THE KING
Grab the rope, I'll pull ya up.
THE KING pulls EVERYMAN
pulls up to the top of the pit.
EVERYMAN is slimed with
pork and beans.
EVERYMAN
For being an evil, psychopathic war God, Ares is a good cook. Those pork and beans are so tasty they're like manna. And a good manna is hard to find.
THE KING lets the rope go and
EVERYMAN splooshes back
into the pit.
SCENE VII: The throne room of ZEUS.
ZEUS sits on his throne.
HERA looks off in the
distance.
HERA
It looks as thou he hath done it.
ZEUS
Methinks thou would be thrilled, eh?
HERA
Thou knowest I am not.
ZEUS
But my pet, he hath punished thine errant son.
HERA
Yes, now I must keep my promise and turn his woman, thy plaything, back into her mortal self. That, and he brings Everyman back to Olympus with him.
ZEUS
Everyman is a good man. A little crass perhaps, but--
HERA
That's like saying Elton John is a little gay. But I have the last laugh.
ZEUS
How so?
THE KING and EVERYMAN
enter. THE KING is carrying
ARES' sword.
EVERYMAN
Can I use the shower?
HERA
(re: the pork and beans)
Hast thou been digging through the compost heap again, Everyman?
EVERYMAN
The Goddess of Comedy. Stop it, you're killing me.
ZEUS
Thou canst use the Godly Shower, Everyman. Most certainly. And furthermore, I decree that upon this day thou art no longer banished to Hades, but can made thy home amongst the Gods in Olympus, if thou like.
HERA
Thou will not!
ZEUS
Silence woman! Who doth wear the decisions tunic around here anyway? Besides, I hath missed thee. Thou art a good friend.
EVERYMAN
Listen, I don't want to cause no trouble between you guys. Now if I was between you guys, there would be trouble. Talk about feeling a little flat. I don't have to live in Olympus. If I could just get out of Hades once in a while, just to do the odd ballgame or whatever.
ZEUS
Thou art free to roam wherever thou like. Art thou satisfied with this, Hera?
HERA
I would prefer him in Hades, but most certainly do not want him here. Thus I will bear the arrangement.
THE KING presents the sword to
HERA.
THE KING
So I done what you asked me. What about Jackie?
JACKIE-O enters. THE KING
goes to her.
THE KING
It's good to see you, baby.
She stops him in his tracks.
JACKIE-O
Hold on a second. Isn't there something you want to say to me?
EVERYMAN
(to The King)
Do the Sammy Davis bit. It works like a charm.
THE KING
I'm sorry, baby. You don't know what ya got until you lose it. I'll be true to you from now on.
JACKIE-O
I don't know if that's good enough.
EVERYMAN
Now come on, Jackie. Don't be cruel.
THE KING
Man...
EVERYMAN
Sorry.
JACKIE-O
When you break a covenant with someone, it's hard to get their trust back.
(To Hera)
Am I right about this?
HERA
Yes.
ZEUS
Never any laughter, never any fun...
HERA
What?
ZEUS
Everyman, stop talking. Let her finish.
JACKIE-O
But true love also knows forgiveness. So I forgive you.
THE KING
Thanks, baby.
JACKIE-O
E, I think it's about we went to my home planet Xemnon to my parents. Don't worry, they're not prositutes anymore. Now they work for Microsoft.
THE KING
That'd be great, darlin'. Then we can meet them wolves that raised ya.
He goes to her, they embrace,
kiss.
EVERYMAN
I think I'm getting a little teary.
HERA
Really?
EVERYMAN
Yeah. I got pork and beans in my eye.
JACKIE-O
E?
THE KING
Yes, baby?
JACKIE-O
Are you getting an erection?
THE KING
Sure feels like it.
JACKIE-O
Well save it honey, save it.
(digs through her purse)
Let me see if I can't find a rubber band.
EVERYMAN
Well, I'm going to take a shower. A cold shower. What kind of shampoo do you guys got? I like baby shampoo 'cause my scalp's kind of sensitive. I'm a sensitive guy. I'm kind of hungry too. Hey Hera, why don't you shake that big ass of yours out to the kitchen and rustle us up some sandwiches.
(He slaps her on the butt)
HERA
Away with thee! Get thee hence!
EVERYMAN
Some things never change.
HERA
Get out of my sight!
EVERYMAN runs off stage.
THE KING
Zeus, can you send up back to earth? Me and Jackie wanna hit the sheets.
ZEUS
I will, I will, but since thou hast done such a brave deed I will grant thee a wish.
HERA
Why art thou in such a rosy humor?
ZEUS
Some appreciate passion.
HERA
Is that some snide remark?
ZEUS
(innocent)
No, dearest, no.
(he steps back, nods to The King)
So, speak, lad. What is it thou desireth?
JACKIE-O
Well, while you're in a wish granting mood, can I make a small one?
ZEUS
What is it?
JACKIE-O
I want to take this hat off. It itches like crazy.
ZEUS waves his hand and
JACKIE-O pulls it off her
head.
Thanks.
THE KING
I wanna know how I got to be immortal.
ZEUS
Hera, perhaps thou canst explain.
HERA
I know not.
ZEUS
Art thou sure? Then perhaps we should ask the Great Oracle of Delphi.
HERA
Thou knowest.
ZEUS
Thou canst keep no secrets from me, dear.
HERA
E. Thou art my son.
THE KING
How's that?
HERA
Five thousand years ago when I was vacationing in Athens I was bedded down by a common fur trader. A man who delved in pelts.
ZEUS starts to say something,
then changes his mind.
ZEUS
Naw. Too easy.
THE KING
So how come you just abandoned me then?
HERA
Shame. But I did keep my eye on thee throughout all thine adventures. But I could not call thee son then, nor can I now. Thou must forgive and be glad of what thou art.
THE KING
Aw hell, that's okay.
ZEUS
But we can made thee an Honorary God.
THE KING
A what?
ZEUS
If it be all right with the wife.
HERA
I thought thou would be angry.
ZEUS
Dearest, I hath cheated on thee so often the news does not break my heart.
HERA
Yes, thou hast, hasn't thou.
ZEUS
And besides. I knew a long time ago. Everyman told me.
HERA
Bastard!
ZEUS
Whoops. Methinks I should have kept my Godly lips from flapping.
THE KING
So I'm a God, huh?
Music up:
THE KING
(sings)
You don't have to love me or get down on bended knee
Or get no Holy Grail from no Baltic Sea.
You ain't gotta come to me if you get a call
Or go to ol' Jericho and blow down a wall.
Aw shucks. I'm a God.
But I'm still a cool cat.
You ain't got to pray to me or start no Holy Wars
'lect a pope or die for me, or stone me any whores.
Don't build me up no temple o' marble and gold,
Don't say my face is a sight to behold.
Aw shucks. I'm a God.
But I'm still a cool cat.
Don't throw palm leaves at me
'Cause I got no bleeding heart.
Don't be singin' Hound Dog and Heartbreak Hotel
Like you sing How Great Thou Art.
Don't burn me no martyrs at no wooden stake
Or throw me any witches in any ol' lake.
Don't gimme up no altar for no sacrificial ewes.
Or gimme no inquisition or pay me any dues.
Aw shucks. I'm a God.
But I'm still a cool cat.
Aw shucks. I'm a God.
But I'm still a cool cat.
Cool CAT!
Exit with fanfare.